Monday, December 17, 2012
Tis the Season
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Partnership
These are the vows of a friend. I find them inspiring and enlightening.
Guiding Principles Of Our Relationship
Introduction…
Finally we have found in each other a partner with whom we can share this journey called life in peace and trust and love, one day at a time. The path that has brought us to this beautiful place in our lives was long and arduous. It has left some scars and many lessons in its wake. And it has certainly taught us the importance of clarity in communication. It is in this context that we wish to express and document the guiding principles that we want to remember as we manifest each other's love each and every day.
There are three people in this relationship: you, me and us…
When we met there were two individuals walking separate paths. We were both enchanted by one of these individuals and wanted to include that individual in our lives. If we now trade in that individual person for a new entity known as US, we give up the very person to whom we were attracted to in the first place. Respecting the importance of this distinction in our personas is a cornerstone of the structure of our relationship.
The past is history, the future is mystery, today is a gift…
This is the present we give each other. No promises of the future, no secrets from the past. Just being grateful for each day we choose to share our lives. This ability to choose is important as it assures both of us that when the other is present in our life it is truly a gift and not an obligation.
Lead or Follow…
Working by consensus is tedious and reduces excellence down to the mediocrity of the lowest common denominator. We can both lead and we can both follow. Taking turns at these roles allows both of us to control our individual destiny while still having the benefit of the other's support and wisdom.
Preservation of Individuality through Segregated Property Ownership…
Segregated Property Ownership is important as it facilitates the unconditional acceptance of one another that is also a cornerstone of our love. Knowing that each of us is responsible for our selves and having that fact reinforced regularly by the way we manage our financial affairs and legal obligations makes it possible for each of us to accept actions by the other that we might find objectionable or disturbing if we felt that we were financially responsible for each other.
Recognizing that our guiding principals establish a code of behavior, roles and responsibilities that stand in contrast to the traditional marriage contract or common law arrangement…. we hereby wish to share with you the unique nature of our relationship; our "Partnership".
Guiding Principles Of Our Relationship
Introduction…
Finally we have found in each other a partner with whom we can share this journey called life in peace and trust and love, one day at a time. The path that has brought us to this beautiful place in our lives was long and arduous. It has left some scars and many lessons in its wake. And it has certainly taught us the importance of clarity in communication. It is in this context that we wish to express and document the guiding principles that we want to remember as we manifest each other's love each and every day.
There are three people in this relationship: you, me and us…
When we met there were two individuals walking separate paths. We were both enchanted by one of these individuals and wanted to include that individual in our lives. If we now trade in that individual person for a new entity known as US, we give up the very person to whom we were attracted to in the first place. Respecting the importance of this distinction in our personas is a cornerstone of the structure of our relationship.
The past is history, the future is mystery, today is a gift…
This is the present we give each other. No promises of the future, no secrets from the past. Just being grateful for each day we choose to share our lives. This ability to choose is important as it assures both of us that when the other is present in our life it is truly a gift and not an obligation.
Lead or Follow…
Working by consensus is tedious and reduces excellence down to the mediocrity of the lowest common denominator. We can both lead and we can both follow. Taking turns at these roles allows both of us to control our individual destiny while still having the benefit of the other's support and wisdom.
Preservation of Individuality through Segregated Property Ownership…
Segregated Property Ownership is important as it facilitates the unconditional acceptance of one another that is also a cornerstone of our love. Knowing that each of us is responsible for our selves and having that fact reinforced regularly by the way we manage our financial affairs and legal obligations makes it possible for each of us to accept actions by the other that we might find objectionable or disturbing if we felt that we were financially responsible for each other.
Recognizing that our guiding principals establish a code of behavior, roles and responsibilities that stand in contrast to the traditional marriage contract or common law arrangement…. we hereby wish to share with you the unique nature of our relationship; our "Partnership".
Friday, July 30, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
Past times
Hello all,
Amazing how fast time flies when you get caught up in a project. I recently became involved in volunteering at The Marine Mammal Center in Marin assisting with animal care and rehabilitation. It's a very long and strenuous day. I leave home at 5:30 am and usually get home around the same time later in the day. Depends on traffic. I have never felt so complete and satisfied. From the moment I leave home to the moment I climb in bed the only thing on my mind is the care and feeding of mother natures creatures. I am finally able to leave work behind. As most of us know that's an amazing feat!!!. I have drank the koolaide so to speak and from time to time, I will give the place a plug or two. We all need something to take us away and give back to Mother earth. This is mine.
Amazing how fast time flies when you get caught up in a project. I recently became involved in volunteering at The Marine Mammal Center in Marin assisting with animal care and rehabilitation. It's a very long and strenuous day. I leave home at 5:30 am and usually get home around the same time later in the day. Depends on traffic. I have never felt so complete and satisfied. From the moment I leave home to the moment I climb in bed the only thing on my mind is the care and feeding of mother natures creatures. I am finally able to leave work behind. As most of us know that's an amazing feat!!!. I have drank the koolaide so to speak and from time to time, I will give the place a plug or two. We all need something to take us away and give back to Mother earth. This is mine.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Will I Ever
I found this hiding in a drafts folder in my email.....Wonder When I wrote it.... Actually I know..... I was at a point of despair living on a Caribbean island far away from anywhere....
Here I sit wondering if you are through with what we are
Here I sit wondering if you have gone
Will I always find myself the one left behind
Or run away and hide behind closed eyes
Not seeing the truth for what it is
How shall I ever know if you were real or just a fairytale
You never showed me what could be
After all the thoughts and smiles you gave me
To leave unannounced and silent
I feel like a fool to have known you.
Or did I?
Was it you I found or did you find me
With the knowledge of leaving me
Knowing full well you would and still
Here I sit wondering just how I’ll tell if I’m whole again
Will I split apart from pain?
Will I find another to fill the space?
How will I ever know if it is real or just a farce
To keep me sane I retreat
I hide behind false eyes and smiles
Like a geisha or a mime
No one can see my true face
My true sorrow and fear
Oh how tired I am of being alone
And yet love is there just on the horizon
I can taste it at times in the wind
I can hear it through the trees
and see it in the waves
Just out of sight
Tantalizing me, drawing me, wanting me
Will I succumb again?
only to be slain by the sword
Another death, another life
And just after I wrote this I created the love of my life...I'm with him now
Here I sit wondering if you are through with what we are
Here I sit wondering if you have gone
Will I always find myself the one left behind
Or run away and hide behind closed eyes
Not seeing the truth for what it is
How shall I ever know if you were real or just a fairytale
You never showed me what could be
After all the thoughts and smiles you gave me
To leave unannounced and silent
I feel like a fool to have known you.
Or did I?
Was it you I found or did you find me
With the knowledge of leaving me
Knowing full well you would and still
Here I sit wondering just how I’ll tell if I’m whole again
Will I split apart from pain?
Will I find another to fill the space?
How will I ever know if it is real or just a farce
To keep me sane I retreat
I hide behind false eyes and smiles
Like a geisha or a mime
No one can see my true face
My true sorrow and fear
Oh how tired I am of being alone
And yet love is there just on the horizon
I can taste it at times in the wind
I can hear it through the trees
and see it in the waves
Just out of sight
Tantalizing me, drawing me, wanting me
Will I succumb again?
only to be slain by the sword
Another death, another life
And just after I wrote this I created the love of my life...I'm with him now
Friday, February 27, 2009
Being Authentic
“And therefore, all of those for whom authentic transformation has deeply unseated their souls must, I believe, wrestle with the profound moral obligation to shout from the heart—perhaps quietly and gently, with tears of reluctance; perhaps with fierce fire and angry wisdom; perhaps with slow and careful analysis; perhaps by unshakable public example—but authenticity always and absolutely carries a demand and duty: you must speak out, to the best of your ability and shake the spiritual tree, and shine your headlights into the eyes of the complacent. You must let that radical realization rumble through your veins and rattle those around you.
Alas, if you fail to do so, you are betraying you own authenticity. You are hiding your true estate. You don’t want to upset others because you don’t want to upset yourself. You are acting in bad faith, the taste of a bad infinity.
Because, you see, the alarming fact is that any realization of depth carries a terrible burden: Those who are allowed to see are simultaneously saddled with the obligation to communicate that vision in no uncertain terms. That is the bargain. You were allowed to see the truth under the agreement that you would communicate it to others (that is the ultimate meaning of the bodhisattva vow). And therefore, if you have seen, you simply must speak out. Speak out with compassion, or speak out with angry wisdom, or speak out with skillful means, but speak out you must.
This is truly a terrible burden, a horrible burden, because in any case there is no room for timidity. The fact that you might be wrong is simply no excuse: you might be right in your communication, and you might be wrong, but that doesn’t matter. What does matter, as Kierkegaard so rudely reminded us, is that only by investing and speaking your vision with passion, can the truth, one way or another, finally penetrate the reluctance of the world. If you are right, or if you are wrong, it is only your passion that will force either to be discovered. It is your duty to promote that discovery—either way—and therefore it is your duty to speak your truth with whatever passion and courage you can find in your heart. You must shout, in whatever way you can.”
Thank you Ken Wilbur
Alas, if you fail to do so, you are betraying you own authenticity. You are hiding your true estate. You don’t want to upset others because you don’t want to upset yourself. You are acting in bad faith, the taste of a bad infinity.
Because, you see, the alarming fact is that any realization of depth carries a terrible burden: Those who are allowed to see are simultaneously saddled with the obligation to communicate that vision in no uncertain terms. That is the bargain. You were allowed to see the truth under the agreement that you would communicate it to others (that is the ultimate meaning of the bodhisattva vow). And therefore, if you have seen, you simply must speak out. Speak out with compassion, or speak out with angry wisdom, or speak out with skillful means, but speak out you must.
This is truly a terrible burden, a horrible burden, because in any case there is no room for timidity. The fact that you might be wrong is simply no excuse: you might be right in your communication, and you might be wrong, but that doesn’t matter. What does matter, as Kierkegaard so rudely reminded us, is that only by investing and speaking your vision with passion, can the truth, one way or another, finally penetrate the reluctance of the world. If you are right, or if you are wrong, it is only your passion that will force either to be discovered. It is your duty to promote that discovery—either way—and therefore it is your duty to speak your truth with whatever passion and courage you can find in your heart. You must shout, in whatever way you can.”
Thank you Ken Wilbur
Pele's Dream
The day was bright; the sky was full of vog washing the sky gray.
The air smelled thick and had a sense of foreboding to it. Birds were unusually absent and there wasn't a wisp of wind. Towering palm trees stood like sentinels watching over the sparse landscape, protecting it, holding it against the ferocious winds that can whip across the land at times. The sea glistened a brilliant turquoise contrasting against the gray sky.
I found myself walking down a rock path towards a village. As I walked along the sky began to darken ahead of me. Nearing the village I came upon an old woman sitting along the side of the road. She was bent and decrepit with stringy white hair. Wearing dirty rags, she looked like beggar. There was something about her though that gave me chills up the back of my neck. When I got closer she looked up at me asked for a drink and a cigarette. Her eyes were the color of coal. I told her I didn't have anything on me, but if she accompanied me to the nearby village that we could get her some water and probably find her a cigarette. She thanked me. I helped her up. She put her arm in mine and we began a slow walk to the village.
Nearing the village, we began encountering people. The old woman asked each one she passed for a drink and a cigarette. She was met with derisive comments, pushed aside and laughed at. Each time she put her head down and muttered something under her breath. Then she'd turn back to me, take my arm and we'd continue on towards the village.
Once inside the village we headed towards the well in the center of the square. The farther into the village we went the more villagers stared, laughed and made rude comments at the old woman. I felt angry and embarrassed for her. Once I tried to protect her. She reached out, took hold of my arm and told me to keep my voice, that soon she would have her day.
When we reached the well, I got a drink of water for her first. As soon as she drank I turned to get one for myself. As I drank a hush fell around the square. I turned and suddenly the old woman was gone and in her place was a tall beautiful woman with fire in her eyes, coal black wavy hair and a foreboding frown on her face. I knew this must be Pele. But how? What happened to the old woman?
She looked down at me, smiled, and touched my cheek, knowing my wonder. Then she turned towards the villagers and her voice sounded like thunder, "You ignored me and laughed at me. For that you will be pay." The villagers suddenly knew she was Pele, the goddess of Fire, and rushed forward to kneel and beg forgiveness.
Ignoring them, she turned back to me and said, "Leave here quickly and never look back. There is a rocky knoll a short distance down the trail from here. Go there and wait. You will be safe there. Do not look back to this village as you leave or you will suffer the same as they do." With that she vanished. The people in the square began crying and wailing in panic. Suddenly they were running everywhere, trying to flee before Pele took her revenge. I left quickly.
As I was leaving, a loud rumbling began behind me. It grew louder and the ground began to shake violently. It sounded like thousands of freight trains rumbling towards me. I wanted to turn and look, but remembered her warning and began to run. I could feel intense heat behind me and knew Pele was exacting her revenge with fire. I saw the rocky knoll and headed for it.
As soon I reached the knoll, lava suddenly was all around me. I started to cry, afraid I would be dead within seconds. I raised my arms, closed my eyes and pleaded to Pele to spare my life. Suddenly I was calm, I felt protected and knew I was safe and would live to see the sunset that day. I don't know how long I stood with my arms outstretched.
When I opened my eyes, I looked around and found I was alone in a sea of black lava. Everything was gone, the village, the people, trees, there was no sign any life around me. Everything was wiped clean. It had become deathly quiet. Life had ceased to exist on this small spot of the world. Not even the wind dared raise his voice to the anger of Pele. The sun began to set and the sky became a glowing orange-red. Watching the day end I was suddenly at peace. Something amazing had happened and somehow I was a part of it.
I watched the sun turn to cinders as it slipped over the horizon. I lost track of time and lay down to rest. I must have fallen asleep because suddenly I felt something wet and cold across my face. I opened my eyes, wiped my hand across my wet face and looked up at a huge black dog standing over me. Around his neck was a golden flask. He licked me again as I sat up. The eyes of this dog were sea green and sparkled with flecks of gold that glinted in the light. It was as though you could fall into the depths of his eyes if you looked deep enough. This was the largest dog I'd ever seen, towering over me by several feet. When I got up, he nudged me and rubbed his neck against me.
I untied the flask, opened it and smelled the contents. A sweet fragrance came to my nose. I knew it was safe. When I began to drink a voice came to me. "For your generosity and kindness I repay you with my drink. I have spared you and sent my devoted dog to aid you in your journey home. He is faithful and will lead you to safety. Heed him well for he is my favorite. Thank you for all you've done and will do. You are in my favor."
I drained the flask and felt refreshed. As I looked at the dog, his eyes began to glow and he looked towards the horizon where the sun had set. I suddenly knew how to get home. I stepped from the knoll to walk in the direction he had gazed. When I turned to see if he was following me he was gone. I was alone once again, but I knew where I needed to be. As I started on my journey home the horizon started to glow purple from dawn approaching.
I rolled over and woke up. I was sweating and my hair was matted against the back of my neck. Whew! What a dream! Later that day, I discussed this dream with Auntie Dalina. She hugged me long and smiled. "You have been blessed, Pua, use it for the lesson it is and remember,You are now Hawaii's child."
The air smelled thick and had a sense of foreboding to it. Birds were unusually absent and there wasn't a wisp of wind. Towering palm trees stood like sentinels watching over the sparse landscape, protecting it, holding it against the ferocious winds that can whip across the land at times. The sea glistened a brilliant turquoise contrasting against the gray sky.
I found myself walking down a rock path towards a village. As I walked along the sky began to darken ahead of me. Nearing the village I came upon an old woman sitting along the side of the road. She was bent and decrepit with stringy white hair. Wearing dirty rags, she looked like beggar. There was something about her though that gave me chills up the back of my neck. When I got closer she looked up at me asked for a drink and a cigarette. Her eyes were the color of coal. I told her I didn't have anything on me, but if she accompanied me to the nearby village that we could get her some water and probably find her a cigarette. She thanked me. I helped her up. She put her arm in mine and we began a slow walk to the village.
Nearing the village, we began encountering people. The old woman asked each one she passed for a drink and a cigarette. She was met with derisive comments, pushed aside and laughed at. Each time she put her head down and muttered something under her breath. Then she'd turn back to me, take my arm and we'd continue on towards the village.
Once inside the village we headed towards the well in the center of the square. The farther into the village we went the more villagers stared, laughed and made rude comments at the old woman. I felt angry and embarrassed for her. Once I tried to protect her. She reached out, took hold of my arm and told me to keep my voice, that soon she would have her day.
When we reached the well, I got a drink of water for her first. As soon as she drank I turned to get one for myself. As I drank a hush fell around the square. I turned and suddenly the old woman was gone and in her place was a tall beautiful woman with fire in her eyes, coal black wavy hair and a foreboding frown on her face. I knew this must be Pele. But how? What happened to the old woman?
She looked down at me, smiled, and touched my cheek, knowing my wonder. Then she turned towards the villagers and her voice sounded like thunder, "You ignored me and laughed at me. For that you will be pay." The villagers suddenly knew she was Pele, the goddess of Fire, and rushed forward to kneel and beg forgiveness.
Ignoring them, she turned back to me and said, "Leave here quickly and never look back. There is a rocky knoll a short distance down the trail from here. Go there and wait. You will be safe there. Do not look back to this village as you leave or you will suffer the same as they do." With that she vanished. The people in the square began crying and wailing in panic. Suddenly they were running everywhere, trying to flee before Pele took her revenge. I left quickly.
As I was leaving, a loud rumbling began behind me. It grew louder and the ground began to shake violently. It sounded like thousands of freight trains rumbling towards me. I wanted to turn and look, but remembered her warning and began to run. I could feel intense heat behind me and knew Pele was exacting her revenge with fire. I saw the rocky knoll and headed for it.
As soon I reached the knoll, lava suddenly was all around me. I started to cry, afraid I would be dead within seconds. I raised my arms, closed my eyes and pleaded to Pele to spare my life. Suddenly I was calm, I felt protected and knew I was safe and would live to see the sunset that day. I don't know how long I stood with my arms outstretched.
When I opened my eyes, I looked around and found I was alone in a sea of black lava. Everything was gone, the village, the people, trees, there was no sign any life around me. Everything was wiped clean. It had become deathly quiet. Life had ceased to exist on this small spot of the world. Not even the wind dared raise his voice to the anger of Pele. The sun began to set and the sky became a glowing orange-red. Watching the day end I was suddenly at peace. Something amazing had happened and somehow I was a part of it.
I watched the sun turn to cinders as it slipped over the horizon. I lost track of time and lay down to rest. I must have fallen asleep because suddenly I felt something wet and cold across my face. I opened my eyes, wiped my hand across my wet face and looked up at a huge black dog standing over me. Around his neck was a golden flask. He licked me again as I sat up. The eyes of this dog were sea green and sparkled with flecks of gold that glinted in the light. It was as though you could fall into the depths of his eyes if you looked deep enough. This was the largest dog I'd ever seen, towering over me by several feet. When I got up, he nudged me and rubbed his neck against me.
I untied the flask, opened it and smelled the contents. A sweet fragrance came to my nose. I knew it was safe. When I began to drink a voice came to me. "For your generosity and kindness I repay you with my drink. I have spared you and sent my devoted dog to aid you in your journey home. He is faithful and will lead you to safety. Heed him well for he is my favorite. Thank you for all you've done and will do. You are in my favor."
I drained the flask and felt refreshed. As I looked at the dog, his eyes began to glow and he looked towards the horizon where the sun had set. I suddenly knew how to get home. I stepped from the knoll to walk in the direction he had gazed. When I turned to see if he was following me he was gone. I was alone once again, but I knew where I needed to be. As I started on my journey home the horizon started to glow purple from dawn approaching.
I rolled over and woke up. I was sweating and my hair was matted against the back of my neck. Whew! What a dream! Later that day, I discussed this dream with Auntie Dalina. She hugged me long and smiled. "You have been blessed, Pua, use it for the lesson it is and remember,You are now Hawaii's child."
Paths,... just a bit
To begin the sense of feeling one attains when eyes meet for the first time. The intake of breath, the prickle on the back of the neck, the cold air as it runs across the hair on your arms. This sense is like the anticipation of the first kiss, of the tenderness a mother feels for her child as she nurses for the first time. This sense is one a husband feels for his wife as she glides down the isle on their wedding day. It is a doorway opening to a distant path beyond.
What lies beyond this doorway? What steps must be taken to reach the goals at the end? Where will it take me? Questions asked are questions answered. Follow this path and only you will know the truths that are yours at the end. Follow this path and only you will experience the passions along your way. Follow this path and what will be, will be for you in the end. It is a destiny to follow. A thread in the tapestry of your life. Undulating with mixed ideas, decisions and fears.
You control this thread. The only part not under your control is its length. This is decided at inception. This and ONLY this is unchangeable. For once your length is set it cannot change, but all else is transmutable. Once on this path your eyes must be aware of obstacles and opportunities. Unsightly is the most opportune instances that will arise if you narrow your vision to only that which is ahead of you. Watch in silence. Wait with compassion. Visualize in peace. Know with confidence and decide with ability. These attributes will aide you on your path and guide you in times of blindness and turmoil.
Close your eyes and walk with the assurance of your path. Know without knowing. Follow without stepping. Guide without control.
The basics of true enlightenment will find you when you need them most. Recognizing them will be your responsibility. Having the strength, fortitude and abilities to see where not seen is the depth and age of your soul. Understanding achieved through this will be peace of mind for the turmoil of everyday tasks.
Walking along a path brings great thought. What, why, where, how? These are all thoughts to ponder. What am I doing? What caused me to choose this path? What am I thinking? What are the obstacles I will face?
Why am I doing this? Why was I chosen for this? Why am I here? Why do I subject myself to this? Why?
Where am I going? Where will I end up? Where does this lead? Where is this path?
How did I get here? How am I going to make it? How will I know? How do I start? How do I finish?
All these questions and more come to mind while walking a path to enlightenment. To answer these questions you must remember a very basic rule... All questions asked of yourself can be answered by yourself.
Why? Well... you tell me...
What lies beyond this doorway? What steps must be taken to reach the goals at the end? Where will it take me? Questions asked are questions answered. Follow this path and only you will know the truths that are yours at the end. Follow this path and only you will experience the passions along your way. Follow this path and what will be, will be for you in the end. It is a destiny to follow. A thread in the tapestry of your life. Undulating with mixed ideas, decisions and fears.
You control this thread. The only part not under your control is its length. This is decided at inception. This and ONLY this is unchangeable. For once your length is set it cannot change, but all else is transmutable. Once on this path your eyes must be aware of obstacles and opportunities. Unsightly is the most opportune instances that will arise if you narrow your vision to only that which is ahead of you. Watch in silence. Wait with compassion. Visualize in peace. Know with confidence and decide with ability. These attributes will aide you on your path and guide you in times of blindness and turmoil.
Close your eyes and walk with the assurance of your path. Know without knowing. Follow without stepping. Guide without control.
The basics of true enlightenment will find you when you need them most. Recognizing them will be your responsibility. Having the strength, fortitude and abilities to see where not seen is the depth and age of your soul. Understanding achieved through this will be peace of mind for the turmoil of everyday tasks.
Walking along a path brings great thought. What, why, where, how? These are all thoughts to ponder. What am I doing? What caused me to choose this path? What am I thinking? What are the obstacles I will face?
Why am I doing this? Why was I chosen for this? Why am I here? Why do I subject myself to this? Why?
Where am I going? Where will I end up? Where does this lead? Where is this path?
How did I get here? How am I going to make it? How will I know? How do I start? How do I finish?
All these questions and more come to mind while walking a path to enlightenment. To answer these questions you must remember a very basic rule... All questions asked of yourself can be answered by yourself.
Why? Well... you tell me...
Allegra's journey begins
Sitting by a window in a room, in a stone castle, far away from civilization, Allegra sat and pondered her predicament. What she had been taught now comes to light. Through all this time her disciplines have brought her to this one moment. This one point in time when Allegra knew she would discover her inner fears, her inner desires, everything she was. Everything she had trained for all her life was waiting for her in this one moment. Was she ready for this?
Closing her eyes, Allegra began to clear her mind. Before she lost all her thoughts, Allegra wondered, would he notice she was there? Would he sense her mind entering his? Would he understand the connection? What if he rejected her? So many questions raced through Allegra’s mind. For a moment there was a confusion of thoughts racing around her mind, calling her to not do this. All the thoughts that raced in she began to shut out one by one, until all that was left was a dark dense emptiness. Then Allegra focused all her energy inward towards a doorway in the distance down a long dark hallway. This was her place of sanctuary, where she could go and no one could touch her. Once through the door, Allegra was safe from any harm or prying thoughts. It was her sanctuary from the women of the order, from the ancients, from the universe. The wall she had constructed around this place was impenetrable. As Allegra moved through the door and it shut behind her, a new sense entered her mind. One of knowledge. One of peace through that knowledge. She was on the right path. This was to be her doorway to what she had prepared for all her life.
Allegra turned and walked back out the door, down the hallway and re-entered her consciousness. She opened her eyes refreshed and ready for her next journey. All concerns gone, all thoughts on the task ahead of her.
Slowly and deliberately she began preparing. Unrolling her fur in the center of the room, Allegra knelt and carefully placed it exactly on the four corners marked as North, South, East and West. Each side had to touch exactly so. Overhead a skylight cast a subtle glow over the room. This was her entrance window. It allowed her to escape her earthly bonds and float towards the heavens free. It anchored her life strand to earth and guided her home when the time was right. It was her hold on this earth, to her life. Without it she could become lost and die, her soul wandering forever among the skies, alone and without form.
Next Allegra stood lit four candles and placed them on each of the corners of her fur. These would aid her in her quest. They would enlighten her and give her strength to follow through. Each candle held the power of direction. The directions together created a whole. With out all four elements Allegra’s ceremony was incomplete and would fail. If one blew out she would veer off course and again could be lost forever.
Allegra had been meticulously taught this ceremony by her grandmother. Every step taken one at a time and memorized. Alone and with out guidance from her grandmother, Allegra now understood the depth which being so precise meant. If she erred in the slightest she might be catapulted to another realm and not find her way home.
Standing Allegra withdrew and stripped off her clothes. She anointed her body with perfumed oils mixed to enhance her trance. She pulled her hair into a twist and walked into the circle. With one final glance out the window across the room, Allegra sank to her knees, closed her eyes and raised her arms to the sky, palms outstretched upward...
Allegra mind began to close off the outside world and enter a state of calm. Blackness enveloped her mind. A nothingness that began her path. She knew this feeling well and navigated through it with ease. Allegra sang her songs and chanted to the four corners. Turning to each as she gave thanks and prayers. She could feel the heat of the candles against her naked body. As Allegra chanted, she felt her body falling back into an opalescent glow. It felt as though she was lying down now, yet she was still on her knees.
She entered the glow, felt it encircle her body. She became the glow. It entered into her mind and suddenly she could see outside her room. Allegra was floating over her kneeling body. Watching herself chant and move rhythmically to the sound of the chant. She looked at her body and it was transparent. A haze in the light cast from the moon through the window of her room. Allegra turned her gaze away and felt her body move through the window in the ceiling. A tiny silver string emanated from her foot. This was her life line to earth. Allegra had never seen this before. She was amazed by its beauty. So tiny and yet so powerful. She looked back and watched her body recede in the distance as she traveled farther up into the night sky. She soared above the world at incredible speeds.
Looking down, Allegra could sense the ancients following her, watching her progress. Knowing her quest and approving her approach into their realm. She knew she was entering an area of unknown for her. This was her first journey alone. She knew the beginning to this quest would lead to certain ends. Was she prepared for this? Questions entered her mind. The emptiness began to fill with concern.
Suddenly she felt her body being pulled downwards. Back towards the window in the ceiling. Back to her physical body. Flailing against the downward pull, she knew she wasn’t concentrating and focused her mind again on her task. Once again her mind became blank and released again to float free Allegra sped upwards.
What beauty she gazed upon. Far above the world in another realm Allegra took note of how free she felt. How alive she was. For a time Allegra forgot why she entered this dream state. From the far recesses of her mind Allegra heard her grandmother’s voice,” Allegra my darling, you must continue on your quest. Do not be detained by this realm. It will make you forget. Remember your disciplines. Remember the reason you came here. Remember what it is you are searching for.” Allegra could hear her grandmother's voice very clearly now. Her voice was quite persistent in her mind. She had allowed herself to wander as she had been warned not to do. “If you wander in this realm, it will make you forget and you can become lost”
Her grandmother’s words came again and were a focus point for Allegra to return to her task at hand. Her quest for another consciousness. The one that invaded her dreams. The one she knew she had to find from the moment she became aware. Her quest for this being who was her other half. Where was this person? This being of like mind.
In the distance a faint glow began to emanate from the land far below. Without a thought Allegra focused on this spot and was drawn there. Suddenly and without warning she felt a presence. He was there, Allegra could feel him entering her mind, moving though her body, exploring her, and completely enveloping her. She struggled, and tried to push him out of her mind. He seemed as curious about her as she was about him. Slowly, calming herself, Allegra allowed him to enter her mind. She knew he was the one.
A beginning...more will follow
Closing her eyes, Allegra began to clear her mind. Before she lost all her thoughts, Allegra wondered, would he notice she was there? Would he sense her mind entering his? Would he understand the connection? What if he rejected her? So many questions raced through Allegra’s mind. For a moment there was a confusion of thoughts racing around her mind, calling her to not do this. All the thoughts that raced in she began to shut out one by one, until all that was left was a dark dense emptiness. Then Allegra focused all her energy inward towards a doorway in the distance down a long dark hallway. This was her place of sanctuary, where she could go and no one could touch her. Once through the door, Allegra was safe from any harm or prying thoughts. It was her sanctuary from the women of the order, from the ancients, from the universe. The wall she had constructed around this place was impenetrable. As Allegra moved through the door and it shut behind her, a new sense entered her mind. One of knowledge. One of peace through that knowledge. She was on the right path. This was to be her doorway to what she had prepared for all her life.
Allegra turned and walked back out the door, down the hallway and re-entered her consciousness. She opened her eyes refreshed and ready for her next journey. All concerns gone, all thoughts on the task ahead of her.
Slowly and deliberately she began preparing. Unrolling her fur in the center of the room, Allegra knelt and carefully placed it exactly on the four corners marked as North, South, East and West. Each side had to touch exactly so. Overhead a skylight cast a subtle glow over the room. This was her entrance window. It allowed her to escape her earthly bonds and float towards the heavens free. It anchored her life strand to earth and guided her home when the time was right. It was her hold on this earth, to her life. Without it she could become lost and die, her soul wandering forever among the skies, alone and without form.
Next Allegra stood lit four candles and placed them on each of the corners of her fur. These would aid her in her quest. They would enlighten her and give her strength to follow through. Each candle held the power of direction. The directions together created a whole. With out all four elements Allegra’s ceremony was incomplete and would fail. If one blew out she would veer off course and again could be lost forever.
Allegra had been meticulously taught this ceremony by her grandmother. Every step taken one at a time and memorized. Alone and with out guidance from her grandmother, Allegra now understood the depth which being so precise meant. If she erred in the slightest she might be catapulted to another realm and not find her way home.
Standing Allegra withdrew and stripped off her clothes. She anointed her body with perfumed oils mixed to enhance her trance. She pulled her hair into a twist and walked into the circle. With one final glance out the window across the room, Allegra sank to her knees, closed her eyes and raised her arms to the sky, palms outstretched upward...
Allegra mind began to close off the outside world and enter a state of calm. Blackness enveloped her mind. A nothingness that began her path. She knew this feeling well and navigated through it with ease. Allegra sang her songs and chanted to the four corners. Turning to each as she gave thanks and prayers. She could feel the heat of the candles against her naked body. As Allegra chanted, she felt her body falling back into an opalescent glow. It felt as though she was lying down now, yet she was still on her knees.
She entered the glow, felt it encircle her body. She became the glow. It entered into her mind and suddenly she could see outside her room. Allegra was floating over her kneeling body. Watching herself chant and move rhythmically to the sound of the chant. She looked at her body and it was transparent. A haze in the light cast from the moon through the window of her room. Allegra turned her gaze away and felt her body move through the window in the ceiling. A tiny silver string emanated from her foot. This was her life line to earth. Allegra had never seen this before. She was amazed by its beauty. So tiny and yet so powerful. She looked back and watched her body recede in the distance as she traveled farther up into the night sky. She soared above the world at incredible speeds.
Looking down, Allegra could sense the ancients following her, watching her progress. Knowing her quest and approving her approach into their realm. She knew she was entering an area of unknown for her. This was her first journey alone. She knew the beginning to this quest would lead to certain ends. Was she prepared for this? Questions entered her mind. The emptiness began to fill with concern.
Suddenly she felt her body being pulled downwards. Back towards the window in the ceiling. Back to her physical body. Flailing against the downward pull, she knew she wasn’t concentrating and focused her mind again on her task. Once again her mind became blank and released again to float free Allegra sped upwards.
What beauty she gazed upon. Far above the world in another realm Allegra took note of how free she felt. How alive she was. For a time Allegra forgot why she entered this dream state. From the far recesses of her mind Allegra heard her grandmother’s voice,” Allegra my darling, you must continue on your quest. Do not be detained by this realm. It will make you forget. Remember your disciplines. Remember the reason you came here. Remember what it is you are searching for.” Allegra could hear her grandmother's voice very clearly now. Her voice was quite persistent in her mind. She had allowed herself to wander as she had been warned not to do. “If you wander in this realm, it will make you forget and you can become lost”
Her grandmother’s words came again and were a focus point for Allegra to return to her task at hand. Her quest for another consciousness. The one that invaded her dreams. The one she knew she had to find from the moment she became aware. Her quest for this being who was her other half. Where was this person? This being of like mind.
In the distance a faint glow began to emanate from the land far below. Without a thought Allegra focused on this spot and was drawn there. Suddenly and without warning she felt a presence. He was there, Allegra could feel him entering her mind, moving though her body, exploring her, and completely enveloping her. She struggled, and tried to push him out of her mind. He seemed as curious about her as she was about him. Slowly, calming herself, Allegra allowed him to enter her mind. She knew he was the one.
A beginning...more will follow
Thursday, February 12, 2009
A Dad's Story
My sister sent this to me and I cried. It made me realize how lucky I am to have what I have in my life. Love, friendship and happiness. The 3 most important things to me.
Maybe this will brighten your day a bit.
On July 22nd I was enroute to Washington, DC , on a business trip. It was all so very ordinary, until we landed in Denver for a plane change. As I collected my belongings from the overhead bin, an announcement was made for Mr. Lloyd Glenn to see the United Customer Service Representative immediately. I thought nothing of it until I reached the door to leave the plane and I heard a gentleman asking every male if he were Mr. Glenn At this point I knew something was wrong and my heart sunk.
When I got off the plane a solemn-faced young man came toward me and said, "Mr. Glenn, there is an emergency at your home. I do not know what the emergency is, or who is involved, but I will take you to the phone so you can call the hospital." My heart was now pounding, but the will to be calm took over. Woodenly, I followed this stranger to the distant telephone where I called the number he gave me for the Mission Hospital. My call was put through to the trauma center where I learned that my three-year-old son had been trapped underneath the automatic garage door for several minutes, and that when my wife had found him he was dead.. CPR had been performed by a neighbor, who is a doctor, and the paramedics had continued the treatment as Brian was transported to the hospital.
By the time of my call, Brian was revived and they believed he would live, but they did not know how much damage had been done to his brain, nor to his heart. They explained that the door had completely closed on his little sternum right over his heart. He had been severely crushed. After speaking with the medical staff, my wife sounded worried but not hysterical, and I took comfort in her calmness.
The return flight seemed to last forever, but finally I arrived at the hospital six hours after the garage door had come down. When I walked into the intensive care unit, nothing could have prepared me to see my little son laying so still on a great big bed with tubes and monitors everywhere. He was on a respirator. I glanced at my wife who stood and tried to give me a reassuring smile. It all seemed like a terrible dream. I was filled-in with the details and given a guarded prognosis. Brian was going to live, and the preliminary tests indicated that his heart was OK, two miracles in and of themselves. But only time would tell if his brain received any damage.
Throughout the seemingly endless hours, my wife was calm. She felt that Brian would eventually be all right. I hung on to her words and faith like a lifeline. All that night and the next day Brian remained unconscious. It seemed like forever since I had left for my business trip the day before.
Finally at two o'clock that afternoon, our son regained consciousness and sat up uttering the most beautiful words I have ever heard spoken. He said, "Daddy hold me" and he reached for me with his little arms.
[TEAR BREAK...smile]
By the next day he was pronounced as having no neurological or physical deficits, and the story of his miraculous survival spread throughout the hospital. You cannot imagine, we took Brian home, we felt a unique reverence for the life and love of our Heavenly Father that comes to those who brush death so closely.
In the days that followed there was a special spirit about our home. Our two older children were much closer to their little brother My wife and I were much closer to each other, and all of us were very close as a whole family. Life took on a less stressful pace. Perspective seemed to be more focused, and balance much easier to gain and maintain. We felt deeply blessed. Our gratitude was truly profound.
The story is not over (smile)!
Almost a month later to the day of the accident, Brian awoke from his afternoon nap and said, "Sit down Mommy. I have something to tell you." At this time in his life, Brian usually spoke in small phrases, so to say a large sentence surprised my wife. She sat down with him on his bed, and he began his sacred and remarkable story.
"Do you remember when I got stuck under the garage door? Well, it was so heavy and it hurt really bad. I called to you, but you couldn't hear me. I started to cry, but then it hurt too bad. And then the 'birdies' came."
"The birdies?" my wife asked puzzled.
"Yes," he replied. "The birdies made a whooshing sound and flew into the garage They took care of me."
"They did?"
"Yes," he said. "One of the birdies came and got you. She came to tell you "I got stuck under the door." A sweet reverent feeling filled the room. The spirit was so strong and yet lighter than air. My wife realized that a three-year-old had no concept of death and spirits, so he was referring to the beings who came to him from beyond as "birdies" because they were up in the air like birds that fly. "What did the birdies look like?" she asked
Brian answered, "They were so beautiful. They were dressed in white, all white Some of them had green and white. But some of them had on just white."
"Did they say anything?"
"Yes," he answered. "They told me the baby would be all right."
"The baby?" my wife asked confused.
Brian answered. "The baby laying on the garage floor." He went on, "You came out and opened the garage door and ran to the baby. You told the baby to stay and not leave."
My wife nearly collapsed upon hearing this, for she had indeed gone and knelt beside Brian's body and seeing his crushed chest whispered, "Don't leave us Brian, please stay if you can." As she listened to Brian telling her the words she had spoken, she realized that the spirit had left His body and was looking down from above on this little lifeless form. "Then what happened?" she asked.
"We went on a trip," he said, "far, far away." He grew agitated trying to say the things he didn't seem to have the words for. My wife tried to calm and comfort him, and let him know it would be okay. He struggled with wanting to tell something that obviously was very important to him, but finding the words was difficult.
"We flew so fast up in the air. They're so pretty Mommy," he added.
"And there are lots and lots of birdies." My wife was stunned. Into her mind the sweet comforting spirit enveloped her more soundly, but with an urgency she had never before known. Brian went on to tell her that the "birdies" had told him that he had to come back and tell everyone about the "birdies." He said they brought him back to the house and that a big fire truck, and an ambulance were there. A man was bringing the baby out on a white bed and he tried to tell the man that the baby would be okay. The story went on for an hour.
He taught us that "birdies" were always with us, but we don't see them because we look with our eyes and we don't hear them because we listen with our ears. But they are always there, you can only see them in here (he put his hand over his heart). They whisper the things to help us to do what is right because they love us so much. Brian continued, stating, "I have a plan, Mommy. You have a plan. Daddy has a plan. Everyone has a plan. We must all live our plan and keep our promises. The birdies help us to do that cause they love us so much."
In the weeks that followed, he often came to us and told all, or part of it, again and again. Always the story remained the same. The details were never changed or out of order. A few times he added further bits of information and clarified the message he had already delivered. It never ceased to amaze us how he could tell such detail and speak beyond his ability when he talked about his birdies.
Everywhere he went, he told strangers about the "birdies." Surprisingly, no one ever looked at him strangely when he did this. Rather, they always got a softened look on their face and smiled. Needless to say, we have not been the same ever since that day, and I pray we never will be.
You have just been sent an Angel to watch over you Some people come into our lives and quickly go...Some people become friends and stay a while...leaving beautiful footprints on our hearts .. and we are never quite the same because we have made a good friend!!
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present! Live and savor every moment...this is not a dress rehearsal! THIS IS A SPECIAL GUARDIAN ANGEL...
Maybe this will brighten your day a bit.
On July 22nd I was enroute to Washington, DC , on a business trip. It was all so very ordinary, until we landed in Denver for a plane change. As I collected my belongings from the overhead bin, an announcement was made for Mr. Lloyd Glenn to see the United Customer Service Representative immediately. I thought nothing of it until I reached the door to leave the plane and I heard a gentleman asking every male if he were Mr. Glenn At this point I knew something was wrong and my heart sunk.
When I got off the plane a solemn-faced young man came toward me and said, "Mr. Glenn, there is an emergency at your home. I do not know what the emergency is, or who is involved, but I will take you to the phone so you can call the hospital." My heart was now pounding, but the will to be calm took over. Woodenly, I followed this stranger to the distant telephone where I called the number he gave me for the Mission Hospital. My call was put through to the trauma center where I learned that my three-year-old son had been trapped underneath the automatic garage door for several minutes, and that when my wife had found him he was dead.. CPR had been performed by a neighbor, who is a doctor, and the paramedics had continued the treatment as Brian was transported to the hospital.
By the time of my call, Brian was revived and they believed he would live, but they did not know how much damage had been done to his brain, nor to his heart. They explained that the door had completely closed on his little sternum right over his heart. He had been severely crushed. After speaking with the medical staff, my wife sounded worried but not hysterical, and I took comfort in her calmness.
The return flight seemed to last forever, but finally I arrived at the hospital six hours after the garage door had come down. When I walked into the intensive care unit, nothing could have prepared me to see my little son laying so still on a great big bed with tubes and monitors everywhere. He was on a respirator. I glanced at my wife who stood and tried to give me a reassuring smile. It all seemed like a terrible dream. I was filled-in with the details and given a guarded prognosis. Brian was going to live, and the preliminary tests indicated that his heart was OK, two miracles in and of themselves. But only time would tell if his brain received any damage.
Throughout the seemingly endless hours, my wife was calm. She felt that Brian would eventually be all right. I hung on to her words and faith like a lifeline. All that night and the next day Brian remained unconscious. It seemed like forever since I had left for my business trip the day before.
Finally at two o'clock that afternoon, our son regained consciousness and sat up uttering the most beautiful words I have ever heard spoken. He said, "Daddy hold me" and he reached for me with his little arms.
[TEAR BREAK...smile]
By the next day he was pronounced as having no neurological or physical deficits, and the story of his miraculous survival spread throughout the hospital. You cannot imagine, we took Brian home, we felt a unique reverence for the life and love of our Heavenly Father that comes to those who brush death so closely.
In the days that followed there was a special spirit about our home. Our two older children were much closer to their little brother My wife and I were much closer to each other, and all of us were very close as a whole family. Life took on a less stressful pace. Perspective seemed to be more focused, and balance much easier to gain and maintain. We felt deeply blessed. Our gratitude was truly profound.
The story is not over (smile)!
Almost a month later to the day of the accident, Brian awoke from his afternoon nap and said, "Sit down Mommy. I have something to tell you." At this time in his life, Brian usually spoke in small phrases, so to say a large sentence surprised my wife. She sat down with him on his bed, and he began his sacred and remarkable story.
"Do you remember when I got stuck under the garage door? Well, it was so heavy and it hurt really bad. I called to you, but you couldn't hear me. I started to cry, but then it hurt too bad. And then the 'birdies' came."
"The birdies?" my wife asked puzzled.
"Yes," he replied. "The birdies made a whooshing sound and flew into the garage They took care of me."
"They did?"
"Yes," he said. "One of the birdies came and got you. She came to tell you "I got stuck under the door." A sweet reverent feeling filled the room. The spirit was so strong and yet lighter than air. My wife realized that a three-year-old had no concept of death and spirits, so he was referring to the beings who came to him from beyond as "birdies" because they were up in the air like birds that fly. "What did the birdies look like?" she asked
Brian answered, "They were so beautiful. They were dressed in white, all white Some of them had green and white. But some of them had on just white."
"Did they say anything?"
"Yes," he answered. "They told me the baby would be all right."
"The baby?" my wife asked confused.
Brian answered. "The baby laying on the garage floor." He went on, "You came out and opened the garage door and ran to the baby. You told the baby to stay and not leave."
My wife nearly collapsed upon hearing this, for she had indeed gone and knelt beside Brian's body and seeing his crushed chest whispered, "Don't leave us Brian, please stay if you can." As she listened to Brian telling her the words she had spoken, she realized that the spirit had left His body and was looking down from above on this little lifeless form. "Then what happened?" she asked.
"We went on a trip," he said, "far, far away." He grew agitated trying to say the things he didn't seem to have the words for. My wife tried to calm and comfort him, and let him know it would be okay. He struggled with wanting to tell something that obviously was very important to him, but finding the words was difficult.
"We flew so fast up in the air. They're so pretty Mommy," he added.
"And there are lots and lots of birdies." My wife was stunned. Into her mind the sweet comforting spirit enveloped her more soundly, but with an urgency she had never before known. Brian went on to tell her that the "birdies" had told him that he had to come back and tell everyone about the "birdies." He said they brought him back to the house and that a big fire truck, and an ambulance were there. A man was bringing the baby out on a white bed and he tried to tell the man that the baby would be okay. The story went on for an hour.
He taught us that "birdies" were always with us, but we don't see them because we look with our eyes and we don't hear them because we listen with our ears. But they are always there, you can only see them in here (he put his hand over his heart). They whisper the things to help us to do what is right because they love us so much. Brian continued, stating, "I have a plan, Mommy. You have a plan. Daddy has a plan. Everyone has a plan. We must all live our plan and keep our promises. The birdies help us to do that cause they love us so much."
In the weeks that followed, he often came to us and told all, or part of it, again and again. Always the story remained the same. The details were never changed or out of order. A few times he added further bits of information and clarified the message he had already delivered. It never ceased to amaze us how he could tell such detail and speak beyond his ability when he talked about his birdies.
Everywhere he went, he told strangers about the "birdies." Surprisingly, no one ever looked at him strangely when he did this. Rather, they always got a softened look on their face and smiled. Needless to say, we have not been the same ever since that day, and I pray we never will be.
You have just been sent an Angel to watch over you Some people come into our lives and quickly go...Some people become friends and stay a while...leaving beautiful footprints on our hearts .. and we are never quite the same because we have made a good friend!!
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present! Live and savor every moment...this is not a dress rehearsal! THIS IS A SPECIAL GUARDIAN ANGEL...
I thought about it
I wrote this years ago (2003) and just discovered it...
I thought about it and there is only one way to realize the value of your dreams. To see them through no matter how painful that can be. Where you can take yourself is a matter of when and what you're willing to do. How far are you willing to step out of your comfort zone? Our comfort zones are relative to how we relate to life. How we adjust and conform.
Sometimes I wonder what it is I need to do to make it work. I know the answers are all there. Sometimes I think I'm too afraid to see the actual reality of my life. I have such a specific reason to be here and I need to hear the voices. I need to remember the answers. They're there, right in front of my eyes.
I'm a talented, amazingly beautiful woman who isn't afraid to speak her mind. Who's not afraid to see the truth for what it is and who needs to move into her true being. I see a girl crying because she so desperately wants to and doesn't know the path. I see a girl standing on a road that she has been on all her life. She just didn't know it. Where it leads only she will tell. The outcome is up to her if only she has the courage to take the steps.
Why at times do I feel the need to find such a huge comfort zone. I search for help, I yearn for the past, I anguish over lost feelings. I am so angry right now. I can't seem to let go. I'm afraid to move forward. I see things well and know where this will eventually take me. I regress to a place I don't want to be. I know I shouldn't be here. I know where I need to be and the path I need to take to get there. So why is it so hard right now? I think some is the chemicals running through my body. I need to remember to focus and relax. I need to be comfortable in my life before I can be with anyone. I need to be strong in who I am before I can feel the love of another.
Of what is it we are all looking for? Why do we search? Why do we yearn?
Paths
A path is an avenue we choose to follow for a period of time in our lives. Throughout that path there are a series of side paths we have opportunities to take. These are choices in destinies. Some are good and some aren't. It seems that when the fates chose our placement in the tapestry of living life they gave us the opportunity to choose where we wove our threads. It is inevitable that our thread is a certain length and there is no lengthening of it. It can however be cut short by the paths we choose to take. Why do we choose our paths? It seems we are influenced by others. They give us several opportunities to follow them or not. We do have the complete and unalienable right to choose whatever path we walk. It seems though that as a species we have this wonderful trait called passing the buck. We don't want to take responsibility for anything. We blame others for our plight in life. We get angry for what has happened to us. What's the problem here? We all make our own beds. We all make our own choices. We all decide for ourselves. No one has power over us unless we choose to give it to them.
I thought about it and there is only one way to realize the value of your dreams. To see them through no matter how painful that can be. Where you can take yourself is a matter of when and what you're willing to do. How far are you willing to step out of your comfort zone? Our comfort zones are relative to how we relate to life. How we adjust and conform.
Sometimes I wonder what it is I need to do to make it work. I know the answers are all there. Sometimes I think I'm too afraid to see the actual reality of my life. I have such a specific reason to be here and I need to hear the voices. I need to remember the answers. They're there, right in front of my eyes.
I'm a talented, amazingly beautiful woman who isn't afraid to speak her mind. Who's not afraid to see the truth for what it is and who needs to move into her true being. I see a girl crying because she so desperately wants to and doesn't know the path. I see a girl standing on a road that she has been on all her life. She just didn't know it. Where it leads only she will tell. The outcome is up to her if only she has the courage to take the steps.
Why at times do I feel the need to find such a huge comfort zone. I search for help, I yearn for the past, I anguish over lost feelings. I am so angry right now. I can't seem to let go. I'm afraid to move forward. I see things well and know where this will eventually take me. I regress to a place I don't want to be. I know I shouldn't be here. I know where I need to be and the path I need to take to get there. So why is it so hard right now? I think some is the chemicals running through my body. I need to remember to focus and relax. I need to be comfortable in my life before I can be with anyone. I need to be strong in who I am before I can feel the love of another.
Of what is it we are all looking for? Why do we search? Why do we yearn?
Paths
A path is an avenue we choose to follow for a period of time in our lives. Throughout that path there are a series of side paths we have opportunities to take. These are choices in destinies. Some are good and some aren't. It seems that when the fates chose our placement in the tapestry of living life they gave us the opportunity to choose where we wove our threads. It is inevitable that our thread is a certain length and there is no lengthening of it. It can however be cut short by the paths we choose to take. Why do we choose our paths? It seems we are influenced by others. They give us several opportunities to follow them or not. We do have the complete and unalienable right to choose whatever path we walk. It seems though that as a species we have this wonderful trait called passing the buck. We don't want to take responsibility for anything. We blame others for our plight in life. We get angry for what has happened to us. What's the problem here? We all make our own beds. We all make our own choices. We all decide for ourselves. No one has power over us unless we choose to give it to them.
A Promise
These are the vows of a friend. I find them inspiring and enlightening. And I find them exactly what I have now in my life minus the marriage. I love that!!!
Guiding Principles Of Our Relationship
Introduction…
Finally we have found in each other a partner with whom we can share this journey called life in peace and trust and love, one day at a time. The path that has brought us to this beautiful place in our lives was long and arduous. It has left some scars and many lessons in its wake. And it has certainly taught us the importance of clarity in communication. It is in this context that we wish to express and document the guiding principles that we want to remember as we manifest each other's love each and every day.
There are three people in this relationship: you, me and us…
When we met there were two individuals walking separate paths. We were both enchanted by one of these individuals and wanted to include that individual in our lives. If we now trade in that individual person for a new entity known as US, we give up the very person to whom we were attracted to in the first place. Respecting the importance of this distinction in our personas is a cornerstone of the structure of our relationship.
The past is history, the future is mystery, today is a gift…
This is the present we give each other. No promises of the future, no secrets from the past. Just being grateful for each day we choose to share our lives. This ability to choose is important as it assures both of us that when the other is present in our life it is truly a gift and not an obligation.
Lead or Follow…
Working by consensus is tedious and reduces excellence down to the mediocrity of the lowest common denominator. We can both lead and we can both follow. Taking turns at these roles allows both of us to control our individual destiny while still having the benefit of the other's support and wisdom.
Preservation of Individuality through Segregated Property Ownership…
Segregated Property Ownership is important as it facilitates the unconditional acceptance of one another that is also a cornerstone of our love. Knowing that each of us is responsible for our selves and having that fact reinforced regularly by the way we manage our financial affairs and legal obligations makes it possible for each of us to accept actions by the other that we might find objectionable or disturbing if we felt that we were financially responsible for each other.
Recognizing that our guiding principals establish a code of behaviour, roles and responsibilities that stand in contrast to the traditional marriage contract or common law arrangement…. we hereby wish to share with you the unique nature of our relationship; our "Partnership".
Guiding Principles Of Our Relationship
Introduction…
Finally we have found in each other a partner with whom we can share this journey called life in peace and trust and love, one day at a time. The path that has brought us to this beautiful place in our lives was long and arduous. It has left some scars and many lessons in its wake. And it has certainly taught us the importance of clarity in communication. It is in this context that we wish to express and document the guiding principles that we want to remember as we manifest each other's love each and every day.
There are three people in this relationship: you, me and us…
When we met there were two individuals walking separate paths. We were both enchanted by one of these individuals and wanted to include that individual in our lives. If we now trade in that individual person for a new entity known as US, we give up the very person to whom we were attracted to in the first place. Respecting the importance of this distinction in our personas is a cornerstone of the structure of our relationship.
The past is history, the future is mystery, today is a gift…
This is the present we give each other. No promises of the future, no secrets from the past. Just being grateful for each day we choose to share our lives. This ability to choose is important as it assures both of us that when the other is present in our life it is truly a gift and not an obligation.
Lead or Follow…
Working by consensus is tedious and reduces excellence down to the mediocrity of the lowest common denominator. We can both lead and we can both follow. Taking turns at these roles allows both of us to control our individual destiny while still having the benefit of the other's support and wisdom.
Preservation of Individuality through Segregated Property Ownership…
Segregated Property Ownership is important as it facilitates the unconditional acceptance of one another that is also a cornerstone of our love. Knowing that each of us is responsible for our selves and having that fact reinforced regularly by the way we manage our financial affairs and legal obligations makes it possible for each of us to accept actions by the other that we might find objectionable or disturbing if we felt that we were financially responsible for each other.
Recognizing that our guiding principals establish a code of behaviour, roles and responsibilities that stand in contrast to the traditional marriage contract or common law arrangement…. we hereby wish to share with you the unique nature of our relationship; our "Partnership".
Saturday, January 24, 2009
The Context of the Man of my Dreams
The man of my dreams must be attractive to me! I am not as concerned about what his looks or color are. I will know he is amazing just by looking into his eyes. They will have an effect like none other. Like he can see into your very soul with just a glance. It will be instantaneous!
He will be elegant, suave and debonair. He will be quite fine to look at (In other words a FABULOUS body).
He will have the wisdom of ages and the strength of a god. He will be kind, gentle and loving and know how to touch and when to touch. He will have a mischievous side to him. He will love to tickle, tease and play. He will be an amazing lover with the knowledge of women rivaling that of the consorts of India.
He will not be afraid to share himself, cry or laugh at the smallest of things. He will not be afraid to say what is on his mind, to listen and to understand. He will love to cuddle, stroke my hair and just hold me for the sake of being close.
He will be patient, passionate and generous. He will love surprises and bringing me small gifts me like flowers, jewelry, all from his heart.
He’ll love children and how they are whether he has them or not. But he will not need children to make him “a man”
He will love to spend the entire day in bed watching old movies or making love, or being out exploring the city, window shopping, taking in tea/coffee or just sitting on a park bench watching the day go by.
He will love ballets, concerts and operas as well as festivals and museum openings. His library will rival mine and his knowledge will be diverse and eclectic. He will love to take walks. He will be a fabulous cook. He will be organized, clean and efficient in his house. He will be fashionable and have and eye for beauty in his home.
He will love to dream, walk on the beach, play tag or sit naked in a thunderstorm feeling the rain wash his body clean. He will love to wash my back in the bath. He will love to wake up to the sound of birds, watch the sunset and look for the green flash as the sun sizzles on the horizon.
He will love to travel, see the world and want homes in more than one country. He will love art, be culturally literate and know about the world and environmental issues. He will be extraordinarily generous and kind and love life, for life.
From watching a garden grow on a sunny afternoon to sailing on a yacht in a storm, taking a drive around the neighborhood on a rainy day, listening to a fire crackle on a warm summer night under the stars to exploring the Amazon to digging for relics in a jungle. Life is an adventure to be explored.
This is who will be in my life.
A Renaissance Man.
ps. this is only the beginning....there is more..
addendum to…… The man of my dreams will be quite athletic, love the ocean, being in, on, under, over or around it. He will love everything from a hard core day of sailing in 40 knot winds with the gunnels down and running, running the tender around and checking out all the cool homes on the shore. Exploring Europe to taking a canoe up a remote Amazon river to see some ancient ruins. Snorkeling, fishing (all kinds), camping, rock climbing, hiking, walking, outrigger canoe paddling, surfing, kayaking, rafting, Bungee jumping…nude….. This also includes the quiet days at anchor, watching the sun set across the horizon as the sails are pulled in and the motor fired up, listening to the waves crash on the beach as the hot dogs roast on the fire. Sitting by a fire drinking a hot toddy while it rains outside.
Life is an adventure to be discovered. There are too many things to do and places to go to stay home all the time. Been there… done that!!!
He will be elegant, suave and debonair. He will be quite fine to look at (In other words a FABULOUS body).
He will have the wisdom of ages and the strength of a god. He will be kind, gentle and loving and know how to touch and when to touch. He will have a mischievous side to him. He will love to tickle, tease and play. He will be an amazing lover with the knowledge of women rivaling that of the consorts of India.
He will not be afraid to share himself, cry or laugh at the smallest of things. He will not be afraid to say what is on his mind, to listen and to understand. He will love to cuddle, stroke my hair and just hold me for the sake of being close.
He will be patient, passionate and generous. He will love surprises and bringing me small gifts me like flowers, jewelry, all from his heart.
He’ll love children and how they are whether he has them or not. But he will not need children to make him “a man”
He will love to spend the entire day in bed watching old movies or making love, or being out exploring the city, window shopping, taking in tea/coffee or just sitting on a park bench watching the day go by.
He will love ballets, concerts and operas as well as festivals and museum openings. His library will rival mine and his knowledge will be diverse and eclectic. He will love to take walks. He will be a fabulous cook. He will be organized, clean and efficient in his house. He will be fashionable and have and eye for beauty in his home.
He will love to dream, walk on the beach, play tag or sit naked in a thunderstorm feeling the rain wash his body clean. He will love to wash my back in the bath. He will love to wake up to the sound of birds, watch the sunset and look for the green flash as the sun sizzles on the horizon.
He will love to travel, see the world and want homes in more than one country. He will love art, be culturally literate and know about the world and environmental issues. He will be extraordinarily generous and kind and love life, for life.
From watching a garden grow on a sunny afternoon to sailing on a yacht in a storm, taking a drive around the neighborhood on a rainy day, listening to a fire crackle on a warm summer night under the stars to exploring the Amazon to digging for relics in a jungle. Life is an adventure to be explored.
This is who will be in my life.
A Renaissance Man.
ps. this is only the beginning....there is more..
addendum to…… The man of my dreams will be quite athletic, love the ocean, being in, on, under, over or around it. He will love everything from a hard core day of sailing in 40 knot winds with the gunnels down and running, running the tender around and checking out all the cool homes on the shore. Exploring Europe to taking a canoe up a remote Amazon river to see some ancient ruins. Snorkeling, fishing (all kinds), camping, rock climbing, hiking, walking, outrigger canoe paddling, surfing, kayaking, rafting, Bungee jumping…nude….. This also includes the quiet days at anchor, watching the sun set across the horizon as the sails are pulled in and the motor fired up, listening to the waves crash on the beach as the hot dogs roast on the fire. Sitting by a fire drinking a hot toddy while it rains outside.
Life is an adventure to be discovered. There are too many things to do and places to go to stay home all the time. Been there… done that!!!
Pelé
The day was bright; the sky was full of vog washing the sky gray. The air smelled thick and had a sense of foreboding to it. Birds were unusually absent and there wasn’t a wisp of wind. Towering Palm trees stood like sentinels watching over the sparse landscape, protecting it, holding it against the ferocious winds that can whip across the land at times. The sea glistened a brilliant turquoise contrasting against the gray sky.
I found myself walking down a rock path towards a village. As I walked along the sky began to darken ahead of me. Nearing the village I came upon an old woman sitting along the side of the road. She was bent and decrepit with stringy white hair. Wearing dirty rags, she looked like a beggar. There was something about her that gave me chills up the back of my neck. When I got closer she looked up at me asked for a drink and a cigarette. Her eyes were the color of coal. I told her I didn’t have anything on me, but that if she accompanied me to the near village that we could get her some water and probably find her a cigarette. She thanked me, I helped her up, she put her arm in mine we began a slow walk to the village.
Nearing the village we began encountering people. The old woman asked each one she passed for a drink and a cigarette. She was met with derisive comments, pushed aside and laughed at. Each time she put her head down and muttered something under her breath. Then she’d turn back to me, take my arm and we’d continue on towards the village.
Once inside the village we headed towards the well in the center of the square. The farther into the village we went the more villagers stared, laughed and made rude comments towards the old woman. I felt angry and embarrassed for her. Once I tried to protect her. She reached out, took hold of my arm and told me to keep my voice, that soon she would have her day. When we reached the well, I got a drink of water for her first. As soon as she drank I turned to get one for myself. As I drank a hush fell around the square. I turned and suddenly the old woman was gone and in her place was a tall beautiful woman with fire in her eyes, coal black wavy hair and a foreboding frown on her face. I knew this must be Pele. But how? What happened to the old woman? She looked down at me, smiled, and touched my cheek knowing my wonder. Then she turned towards the villagers and her voice sounded like thunder, “You ignored me and laughed at me. For that you will be pay” The villagers suddenly realizing that she was Pele the goddess of Fire rushed forward to kneel and beg forgiveness.
Ignoring them she turned back to me and said, “Leave here quickly and never look back. There is a rocky knoll a short distance down the trail from here. Go there and wait. You will be safe there. DO NOT look back to this village as you leave or you will suffer the same as they do.” With that she vanished.
The people in the square began crying and wailing in panic, suddenly they were running everywhere, trying to flee before Pele took her revenge. I left quickly. As I was leaving a loud rumbling began behind me, It grew louder and the ground began to shake violently. It sounded like thousands of freight trains rumbling towards me. I wanted to turn and look, but remembered her warning and began to run. I could feel intense heat behind me and knew Pele was exacting her revenge with fire. I saw the rocky knoll and headed for it. As soon I reached the knoll, lava suddenly was all around me. I started to cry afraid I would be dead within seconds. I raised my arms, closed my eyes and pleaded to Pele to spare my life. Suddenly I was calm, I felt protected and knew I was safe and would live to see the sunset that day. I don’t know how long I stood with my arms outstretched.
When I opened my eyes, I looked around and found I was alone in a sea of black lava. Everything was gone, the village, the people, trees, there was no sign of any life around me. Everything was wiped clean. It had become deathly quiet. Life had ceased to exist on this small spot of the world. Not even the wind dared raise his voice to the anger of Pele. The sun began to set and the sky became a glowing orange-red. Watching the day end I was suddenly at peace. Something amazing had happened and somehow I was a part of it.
I watched the sun turn to cinders as it slipped over the horizon. I lost track of time and lay down to rest. I must have slept because suddenly I felt something wet and cold across my face. I opened my eyes, wiped my hand across my wet face and looked up at a huge black dog standing over me. Around his neck was a golden flask. He licked me again as I sat up. The eyes of this dog were sea green and sparkled with flecks of gold that glinted in the light. It was as though you could fall into the depths of his eyes when you looked deep enough. This was the largest dog I’d ever seen, towering over me by feet. When I got up he nudged me and rubbed his neck against me. I untied the flask, opened it and smelled the contents. A sweet fragrance came to my nose. I knew it was safe. When I began to drink a voice came to me. “For your generosity and kindness I repay you with my drink. I have spared you and sent my devoted dog to aid you in your journey home. He is faithful and will lead you to safety. Heed him well for he is my favorite. Thank you for all you’ve done and will do. You are in my favor” I drained the flask and felt refreshed. As I looked at the dog his eyes began to glow and he looked towards the horizon where the sun had set. I suddenly knew how to get home.
I stepped from the knoll to walk in the direction he had gazed. When I turned to see if he was following me he was gone. I was alone once again, but I knew where I needed to be. As I started on my journey home the horizon started to glow purple from dawn approaching.
I rolled over and woke up. I was sweating and my hair was matted against the back of my neck. Whew! What a dream!!!
Later that day I discussed this dream with Auntie Dalina. She hugged me long and smiled. “You have been blessed Pua, use it for the lesson it is and remember, You are now Hawaii’s child”.
Pua Lilia DuFour
I found myself walking down a rock path towards a village. As I walked along the sky began to darken ahead of me. Nearing the village I came upon an old woman sitting along the side of the road. She was bent and decrepit with stringy white hair. Wearing dirty rags, she looked like a beggar. There was something about her that gave me chills up the back of my neck. When I got closer she looked up at me asked for a drink and a cigarette. Her eyes were the color of coal. I told her I didn’t have anything on me, but that if she accompanied me to the near village that we could get her some water and probably find her a cigarette. She thanked me, I helped her up, she put her arm in mine we began a slow walk to the village.
Nearing the village we began encountering people. The old woman asked each one she passed for a drink and a cigarette. She was met with derisive comments, pushed aside and laughed at. Each time she put her head down and muttered something under her breath. Then she’d turn back to me, take my arm and we’d continue on towards the village.
Once inside the village we headed towards the well in the center of the square. The farther into the village we went the more villagers stared, laughed and made rude comments towards the old woman. I felt angry and embarrassed for her. Once I tried to protect her. She reached out, took hold of my arm and told me to keep my voice, that soon she would have her day. When we reached the well, I got a drink of water for her first. As soon as she drank I turned to get one for myself. As I drank a hush fell around the square. I turned and suddenly the old woman was gone and in her place was a tall beautiful woman with fire in her eyes, coal black wavy hair and a foreboding frown on her face. I knew this must be Pele. But how? What happened to the old woman? She looked down at me, smiled, and touched my cheek knowing my wonder. Then she turned towards the villagers and her voice sounded like thunder, “You ignored me and laughed at me. For that you will be pay” The villagers suddenly realizing that she was Pele the goddess of Fire rushed forward to kneel and beg forgiveness.
Ignoring them she turned back to me and said, “Leave here quickly and never look back. There is a rocky knoll a short distance down the trail from here. Go there and wait. You will be safe there. DO NOT look back to this village as you leave or you will suffer the same as they do.” With that she vanished.
The people in the square began crying and wailing in panic, suddenly they were running everywhere, trying to flee before Pele took her revenge. I left quickly. As I was leaving a loud rumbling began behind me, It grew louder and the ground began to shake violently. It sounded like thousands of freight trains rumbling towards me. I wanted to turn and look, but remembered her warning and began to run. I could feel intense heat behind me and knew Pele was exacting her revenge with fire. I saw the rocky knoll and headed for it. As soon I reached the knoll, lava suddenly was all around me. I started to cry afraid I would be dead within seconds. I raised my arms, closed my eyes and pleaded to Pele to spare my life. Suddenly I was calm, I felt protected and knew I was safe and would live to see the sunset that day. I don’t know how long I stood with my arms outstretched.
When I opened my eyes, I looked around and found I was alone in a sea of black lava. Everything was gone, the village, the people, trees, there was no sign of any life around me. Everything was wiped clean. It had become deathly quiet. Life had ceased to exist on this small spot of the world. Not even the wind dared raise his voice to the anger of Pele. The sun began to set and the sky became a glowing orange-red. Watching the day end I was suddenly at peace. Something amazing had happened and somehow I was a part of it.
I watched the sun turn to cinders as it slipped over the horizon. I lost track of time and lay down to rest. I must have slept because suddenly I felt something wet and cold across my face. I opened my eyes, wiped my hand across my wet face and looked up at a huge black dog standing over me. Around his neck was a golden flask. He licked me again as I sat up. The eyes of this dog were sea green and sparkled with flecks of gold that glinted in the light. It was as though you could fall into the depths of his eyes when you looked deep enough. This was the largest dog I’d ever seen, towering over me by feet. When I got up he nudged me and rubbed his neck against me. I untied the flask, opened it and smelled the contents. A sweet fragrance came to my nose. I knew it was safe. When I began to drink a voice came to me. “For your generosity and kindness I repay you with my drink. I have spared you and sent my devoted dog to aid you in your journey home. He is faithful and will lead you to safety. Heed him well for he is my favorite. Thank you for all you’ve done and will do. You are in my favor” I drained the flask and felt refreshed. As I looked at the dog his eyes began to glow and he looked towards the horizon where the sun had set. I suddenly knew how to get home.
I stepped from the knoll to walk in the direction he had gazed. When I turned to see if he was following me he was gone. I was alone once again, but I knew where I needed to be. As I started on my journey home the horizon started to glow purple from dawn approaching.
I rolled over and woke up. I was sweating and my hair was matted against the back of my neck. Whew! What a dream!!!
Later that day I discussed this dream with Auntie Dalina. She hugged me long and smiled. “You have been blessed Pua, use it for the lesson it is and remember, You are now Hawaii’s child”.
Pua Lilia DuFour
The men in my life
Story 1: Bill: I married at 21 to a fairly well off man in Northern Idaho. Looking back, I forced the issue and subconsciously wanted to be set for life. Little did I know how bad that would backfire on me. I entered into a serious domestic violence relationship, but didn’t know it till after the ceremony. Now let me paint a picture first. Here’s a cute slim little blonde girl. Who ski’s with the ski patrol only, rock climbs, power lifts at the gym ( I could bench 250 at the time) and is a lifeguard on the public beach of Sandpoint, Idaho. Tom girl extraordinaire you might say. When I began dating Bill, I was an electrician’s apprentice. Needless to say the Tomboy in me was showing. We courted for a time and finally I said yes December 26th 1984. We were married May 11,1985.
Overnight things changed dramatically. I was no longer to work, wear makeup or associate with any of my friends. No more skiing the hill with the patrol, no more rock climbing, no more anything. This man wanted complete control. Not sure if you are familiar with Northern Idaho? But it is Aryan Nations central (Neo Nazi’s). Literally, no lie. So this type of control over women isn’t too surprising. I had a beautiful baby girl 10 days before our 1st wedding anniversary. After that it got even worse. Not physically because he was never as strong as I was. But mentally, he would say every conceivable thing that was mean or spiteful to undermine my well being. I of course didn’t last long and left finally after 2 1/2 years of abuse. I had to go into a 1/2 way house for 3 weeks because of his stalking me and our baby.
At one point we had reached what I thought was a neutral point and I agreed to come to the house and collect my things. Lucky for me I am as strong as I am cuz again he attacked me... This time with my 2 year old watching from the couch. He grabbed me from behind while I was calling 911. I stepped back and spun around and cold cocked him in the forehead with every ounce of strength I had. He staggered back, grabbed his forehead and screamed,”Courtney! (Joselyn) Your mama just killed me”. Nice thing to say to a crying frantic child as he staggered out the back door. She was in hysterics. I dealt with that issue till she was 16.
I quickly called my girlfriend Laura to come get Courtney (Joselyn) and several reserve cop friends to come help me pack up and move. I figured at least with them helping me he wouldn’t try anything... Hah...Was I wrong. About 1 1/2 hours after he stumbled out of the house, we were complete in getting my things packed up in the truck and ready to leave. Suddenly Bill and his entire family showed up minus the brother I’m good friends with. Dad, mom, sister and brother. All descended on me at once as I was trying to get into my car and leave. All yelling in my face and pushing me back against my car. Bill slipped into the seat behind me as I grabbed onto the steering wheel. I knew what he was going to try to do immediately. He tried to pry my hand free so he could get the car away from me but unfortunately again I was too strong and he ended up kicking me in the kneecap instead. It hurt but he slipped and only grazed the side of my leg.
During this whole time Bill was trying to get the car away from me I was being confronted by the rest of his family. It’s rather comical if you can picture it. His overweight sister Candy (of all names) was bent over shaking her ass at me and in school girls neener neener voice saying, “ You’re so fat I can’t imagine Bill ever wanting to get with you” over and over among other choice statements. Meanwhile the brother is shaking his fist in my face so close I have to turn sideways and lean back slightly. With clenched teeth he was seething, “You better leave my brother alone or I’ll..... I’ll.....” The mother reaches around from behind the brothers fist with both hands and slaps my face and the dad is off to the side pushing the brother to hold him up...think he might have been a bit intoxicated. All the while Bill is doing his damndest to pry my hand off the steering wheel as I’m gripping it to keep him from steeling my car.
My friend Jim later said it was like watching a scene from the keystone cops or something. He was watching the whole thing while dialling the real cops to come help. At one point I guess I got a funny look on my face (according to Jim) and reached out with my free hand and literally pushed the entire lot off me and they toppled onto each other saying at the same time, “OK, that’s enough of that”. Then I reached around, grabbed what little hair Bill had left and yanked him out of my car and threw him on the pile with the rest of them just in time for the police to come rolling around the corner. They couldn’t retaliate! HAH!!!
I loaded up and went into hiding for the next 3 weeks.
Years later I was working on the film “Free Willy II” in the San Juan Islands of Washington State as a stunt extra driving boats in the background. A bunch of us were sitting around a campfire one night drinking beer and talking story. It came out that I lived in Sandpoint, Idaho and Kelly, one of the boat owners, looked up, squinted across the fire at me as asked, “What was your last name in Sandpoint?” When I told him, he laughed and preceded to tell me he knew exactly who I was and that the entire North Idaho police force was angry and on my side during the whole time I was going through divorce. Oh I forgot to mention...He also bought off my lawyer and the judge and I only got $160.00 a month for the next 10 years to raise my daughter with...small towns.. Gotta love em
Story 2: I met Rod in 1989, the day my divorce was final but unaware it was. I was working as a cocktail waitress at a Mexican restaurant in Coeur d'Alene, 45 miles south of Sandpoint. One of my customers, John a PI would come in Mon, Wed and Fri. and order the same thing and always sit in my section. He would tell me he wanted to fix me up with this friend of his and I’d laugh and blow him off. Believe me the LAST thing I wanted was a man in my life. I came to work one day to a full bar..odd but I guess there was a game going or something, I honestly don’t remember. Needless to say there was John, waiting for me in my section with his new girlfriend and someone else. Furiously he waved for me to come over. I leaned over to my co-worker Shannon and said,”Oh my God, He brought that jerk guy he wants to fix me up with and now I have to go meet him...SHIT”. Of course I put on a smile and sauntered over. As I walked over John got more and more animated. The guy with them turned around and watched me walk over. He was kinda cute. At the time I was on the college crew team and even smaller than I am now. John instantly started talking. He said,”Elise, Elise, this is Rod. The two of you are so alike it’s not even funny. You both love the outdoors, biking, sailing, water sports, hell sports in general. You have to get to know each other, You just have to.” Speculatively, I turned towards Rod, looked down at him and said,”Well in that case, you wanna get married now or wait till next week...?” Next week was the answer and he of course called me back, much to my disdain at first. It turned out we used to surf together in So. Cal years before and we knew the same people. He even remembered me as I have funny toes (nother story). I was married to him for 10 years. Rod loved being the centre of attention and as it turned out that included all the women doting on him when he was a captain in Hawaii. Little did I know all that entailed exactly. Actually I didn’t even find out about all the infidelities till AFTER our divorce. Glad I never caught him with anyone. I’d be in jail for murder.
Starting to see the pattern?......Getting to the point I don’t trust men much.......
Story 3: Patricio I met on match.com in July of 2001. He was a professional world renowned photographer originally from Brazil but has spent the last 25 years in France. He was a staff photographer for Pinochet till... Well let’s just say he had to leave the country quickly. I ended up moving to Paris in Sept 2001...yes right after 9/11 to live and work with him. I was a photo journalist for his company Taiga Presse. We produced high end magazine photo essays from all over the world. We had 25 photographers and were based right around the corner from Magnum. It was like living a dream for me. At the time I thought it would be cool to be a war correspondent. However come to find out a person with my looks doesn’t exactly blend into the landscape they STAND out!!! The exact thing I didn’t want in a war zone. So ended my high hopes of being on the front lines. I went on a few assignments in Northern Africa but none too close to the lines. I My relationship with Patricio was like those you see in the old movies of people in the streets of Paris yelling at each other. Sometimes I wonder if they were actually filming us at times we fought so much. And not just arguments. Down right screaming matches. After 6 weeks of that and walking in 3” heals 6 blocks to and from the train station to get to work I bagged it all and said adieu. God what a mess that one was. Of course I came back to the states in an economic crisis. Not unlike the one now.
So after a time I ended up in San Francisco in 2003 I met Steve in 2006
Story 4: Steve was a match I thought was made in heaven. Actually not but he was perfect to me. Quiet, relaxed, mellow, a bit of an introvert (little did I know how much). And little did I know how much that would bore me. He was a retired foreign currency broker at 45, a fabulous cook, had a music collection that more than rivalled mine, read even more ridiculous titles than what I had, had the ultimate modern loft in tres chic Alameda and cute to boot. Wow was I the lucky one. Hmmmmm Time began to fly by. He accompanied me to the 12th World Outrigger Canoe races in New Zealand. I was a member of Team California representing the USA. We were there for over 3 weeks. Then off and on throughout the next 1 1/2 years we went to Italy for 1 month, Utah, Washington, Southern Cali and many more places. I only worked 1/2 the time as I was studying for my Gemology degree. When we were travelling all was well. However he soon began to recede farther and farther away. He would spend days in his “cave” as he called it. Not talking, wanting company or anything else but the lull of his music and movies. It became more and more prevalent till it was invading into our relationship like blood seeping slowly across a tiled floor. Yes and it was a bit on the morbid side as the longer we spent together the more of a recluse he became. I found out he was diagnosed with borderline Asperger’s syndrome. See following explanation. Well then... I could see the light but not what was about to happen
“Asperger's Disorder is a milder variant of Autistic Disorder. Both Asperger's Disorder and Autistic Disorder are in fact subgroups of a larger diagnostic category. This larger category is called either Autistic Spectrum Disorders, mostly in European countries, or Pervasive Developmental Disorders ("PDD"), in the United States. In Asperger's Disorder, affected individuals are characterized by social isolation and eccentric behaviour in childhood. There are impairments in two-sided social interaction and non-verbal communication. Though grammatical, their speech may sound peculiar due to abnormalities of inflection and a repetitive pattern. Clumsiness may be prominent both in their articulation and gross motor behaviour. They usually have a circumscribed area of interest which usually leaves no space for more age appropriate, common interests. Some examples are cars, trains, French Literature, door knobs, hinges, cappuccino, meteorology, astronomy or history. The name "Asperger" comes from Hans Asperger, an Austrian physician who first described the syndrome in 1944. An excellent translation of Dr. Asperger's original paper is provided by Dr. Uta Frith in her Autism and Asperger Syndrome.”
He left me for another woman as fast as he jumped on the band wagon initially with me. (I moved in after 4 days). It hit me blindside. Neither was I prepared nor did I see it coming. In hindsight the symptoms were all there. He tried to tell me in his way and I just wouldn’t understand. I was so caught up in getting my degree, then my new job that I lost all sight of us as a couple. I honestly haven’t been with anyone serious since then. That was mid 2007. And this one really hurt. Despite the fact we are now friends, it took a long time for me to be complete.
Till....now... I've met "THE MAN" The one I'll spend the rest of my life with. The man whom I never knew I could love as much as I do. I more sure of this than ever. He is amazing, beautiful, kind, generous, handsome, gentle, caring and everything else I've ever dreamt of. He is PERFECT to me. Imagine that.
Overnight things changed dramatically. I was no longer to work, wear makeup or associate with any of my friends. No more skiing the hill with the patrol, no more rock climbing, no more anything. This man wanted complete control. Not sure if you are familiar with Northern Idaho? But it is Aryan Nations central (Neo Nazi’s). Literally, no lie. So this type of control over women isn’t too surprising. I had a beautiful baby girl 10 days before our 1st wedding anniversary. After that it got even worse. Not physically because he was never as strong as I was. But mentally, he would say every conceivable thing that was mean or spiteful to undermine my well being. I of course didn’t last long and left finally after 2 1/2 years of abuse. I had to go into a 1/2 way house for 3 weeks because of his stalking me and our baby.
At one point we had reached what I thought was a neutral point and I agreed to come to the house and collect my things. Lucky for me I am as strong as I am cuz again he attacked me... This time with my 2 year old watching from the couch. He grabbed me from behind while I was calling 911. I stepped back and spun around and cold cocked him in the forehead with every ounce of strength I had. He staggered back, grabbed his forehead and screamed,”Courtney! (Joselyn) Your mama just killed me”. Nice thing to say to a crying frantic child as he staggered out the back door. She was in hysterics. I dealt with that issue till she was 16.
I quickly called my girlfriend Laura to come get Courtney (Joselyn) and several reserve cop friends to come help me pack up and move. I figured at least with them helping me he wouldn’t try anything... Hah...Was I wrong. About 1 1/2 hours after he stumbled out of the house, we were complete in getting my things packed up in the truck and ready to leave. Suddenly Bill and his entire family showed up minus the brother I’m good friends with. Dad, mom, sister and brother. All descended on me at once as I was trying to get into my car and leave. All yelling in my face and pushing me back against my car. Bill slipped into the seat behind me as I grabbed onto the steering wheel. I knew what he was going to try to do immediately. He tried to pry my hand free so he could get the car away from me but unfortunately again I was too strong and he ended up kicking me in the kneecap instead. It hurt but he slipped and only grazed the side of my leg.
During this whole time Bill was trying to get the car away from me I was being confronted by the rest of his family. It’s rather comical if you can picture it. His overweight sister Candy (of all names) was bent over shaking her ass at me and in school girls neener neener voice saying, “ You’re so fat I can’t imagine Bill ever wanting to get with you” over and over among other choice statements. Meanwhile the brother is shaking his fist in my face so close I have to turn sideways and lean back slightly. With clenched teeth he was seething, “You better leave my brother alone or I’ll..... I’ll.....” The mother reaches around from behind the brothers fist with both hands and slaps my face and the dad is off to the side pushing the brother to hold him up...think he might have been a bit intoxicated. All the while Bill is doing his damndest to pry my hand off the steering wheel as I’m gripping it to keep him from steeling my car.
My friend Jim later said it was like watching a scene from the keystone cops or something. He was watching the whole thing while dialling the real cops to come help. At one point I guess I got a funny look on my face (according to Jim) and reached out with my free hand and literally pushed the entire lot off me and they toppled onto each other saying at the same time, “OK, that’s enough of that”. Then I reached around, grabbed what little hair Bill had left and yanked him out of my car and threw him on the pile with the rest of them just in time for the police to come rolling around the corner. They couldn’t retaliate! HAH!!!
I loaded up and went into hiding for the next 3 weeks.
Years later I was working on the film “Free Willy II” in the San Juan Islands of Washington State as a stunt extra driving boats in the background. A bunch of us were sitting around a campfire one night drinking beer and talking story. It came out that I lived in Sandpoint, Idaho and Kelly, one of the boat owners, looked up, squinted across the fire at me as asked, “What was your last name in Sandpoint?” When I told him, he laughed and preceded to tell me he knew exactly who I was and that the entire North Idaho police force was angry and on my side during the whole time I was going through divorce. Oh I forgot to mention...He also bought off my lawyer and the judge and I only got $160.00 a month for the next 10 years to raise my daughter with...small towns.. Gotta love em
Story 2: I met Rod in 1989, the day my divorce was final but unaware it was. I was working as a cocktail waitress at a Mexican restaurant in Coeur d'Alene, 45 miles south of Sandpoint. One of my customers, John a PI would come in Mon, Wed and Fri. and order the same thing and always sit in my section. He would tell me he wanted to fix me up with this friend of his and I’d laugh and blow him off. Believe me the LAST thing I wanted was a man in my life. I came to work one day to a full bar..odd but I guess there was a game going or something, I honestly don’t remember. Needless to say there was John, waiting for me in my section with his new girlfriend and someone else. Furiously he waved for me to come over. I leaned over to my co-worker Shannon and said,”Oh my God, He brought that jerk guy he wants to fix me up with and now I have to go meet him...SHIT”. Of course I put on a smile and sauntered over. As I walked over John got more and more animated. The guy with them turned around and watched me walk over. He was kinda cute. At the time I was on the college crew team and even smaller than I am now. John instantly started talking. He said,”Elise, Elise, this is Rod. The two of you are so alike it’s not even funny. You both love the outdoors, biking, sailing, water sports, hell sports in general. You have to get to know each other, You just have to.” Speculatively, I turned towards Rod, looked down at him and said,”Well in that case, you wanna get married now or wait till next week...?” Next week was the answer and he of course called me back, much to my disdain at first. It turned out we used to surf together in So. Cal years before and we knew the same people. He even remembered me as I have funny toes (nother story). I was married to him for 10 years. Rod loved being the centre of attention and as it turned out that included all the women doting on him when he was a captain in Hawaii. Little did I know all that entailed exactly. Actually I didn’t even find out about all the infidelities till AFTER our divorce. Glad I never caught him with anyone. I’d be in jail for murder.
Starting to see the pattern?......Getting to the point I don’t trust men much.......
Story 3: Patricio I met on match.com in July of 2001. He was a professional world renowned photographer originally from Brazil but has spent the last 25 years in France. He was a staff photographer for Pinochet till... Well let’s just say he had to leave the country quickly. I ended up moving to Paris in Sept 2001...yes right after 9/11 to live and work with him. I was a photo journalist for his company Taiga Presse. We produced high end magazine photo essays from all over the world. We had 25 photographers and were based right around the corner from Magnum. It was like living a dream for me. At the time I thought it would be cool to be a war correspondent. However come to find out a person with my looks doesn’t exactly blend into the landscape they STAND out!!! The exact thing I didn’t want in a war zone. So ended my high hopes of being on the front lines. I went on a few assignments in Northern Africa but none too close to the lines. I My relationship with Patricio was like those you see in the old movies of people in the streets of Paris yelling at each other. Sometimes I wonder if they were actually filming us at times we fought so much. And not just arguments. Down right screaming matches. After 6 weeks of that and walking in 3” heals 6 blocks to and from the train station to get to work I bagged it all and said adieu. God what a mess that one was. Of course I came back to the states in an economic crisis. Not unlike the one now.
So after a time I ended up in San Francisco in 2003 I met Steve in 2006
Story 4: Steve was a match I thought was made in heaven. Actually not but he was perfect to me. Quiet, relaxed, mellow, a bit of an introvert (little did I know how much). And little did I know how much that would bore me. He was a retired foreign currency broker at 45, a fabulous cook, had a music collection that more than rivalled mine, read even more ridiculous titles than what I had, had the ultimate modern loft in tres chic Alameda and cute to boot. Wow was I the lucky one. Hmmmmm Time began to fly by. He accompanied me to the 12th World Outrigger Canoe races in New Zealand. I was a member of Team California representing the USA. We were there for over 3 weeks. Then off and on throughout the next 1 1/2 years we went to Italy for 1 month, Utah, Washington, Southern Cali and many more places. I only worked 1/2 the time as I was studying for my Gemology degree. When we were travelling all was well. However he soon began to recede farther and farther away. He would spend days in his “cave” as he called it. Not talking, wanting company or anything else but the lull of his music and movies. It became more and more prevalent till it was invading into our relationship like blood seeping slowly across a tiled floor. Yes and it was a bit on the morbid side as the longer we spent together the more of a recluse he became. I found out he was diagnosed with borderline Asperger’s syndrome. See following explanation. Well then... I could see the light but not what was about to happen
“Asperger's Disorder is a milder variant of Autistic Disorder. Both Asperger's Disorder and Autistic Disorder are in fact subgroups of a larger diagnostic category. This larger category is called either Autistic Spectrum Disorders, mostly in European countries, or Pervasive Developmental Disorders ("PDD"), in the United States. In Asperger's Disorder, affected individuals are characterized by social isolation and eccentric behaviour in childhood. There are impairments in two-sided social interaction and non-verbal communication. Though grammatical, their speech may sound peculiar due to abnormalities of inflection and a repetitive pattern. Clumsiness may be prominent both in their articulation and gross motor behaviour. They usually have a circumscribed area of interest which usually leaves no space for more age appropriate, common interests. Some examples are cars, trains, French Literature, door knobs, hinges, cappuccino, meteorology, astronomy or history. The name "Asperger" comes from Hans Asperger, an Austrian physician who first described the syndrome in 1944. An excellent translation of Dr. Asperger's original paper is provided by Dr. Uta Frith in her Autism and Asperger Syndrome.”
He left me for another woman as fast as he jumped on the band wagon initially with me. (I moved in after 4 days). It hit me blindside. Neither was I prepared nor did I see it coming. In hindsight the symptoms were all there. He tried to tell me in his way and I just wouldn’t understand. I was so caught up in getting my degree, then my new job that I lost all sight of us as a couple. I honestly haven’t been with anyone serious since then. That was mid 2007. And this one really hurt. Despite the fact we are now friends, it took a long time for me to be complete.
Till....now... I've met "THE MAN" The one I'll spend the rest of my life with. The man whom I never knew I could love as much as I do. I more sure of this than ever. He is amazing, beautiful, kind, generous, handsome, gentle, caring and everything else I've ever dreamt of. He is PERFECT to me. Imagine that.
Broken
Here I sit wondering if you are through with what we are
Here I sit wondering if you have gone
Will I always find myself the one left behind
Or run away and hide behind closed eyes
Not seeing the truth for what it is
How shall I ever know if you were real or just a fairytale
You never showed me what could be
After all the thoughts and smiles you gave me
To leave unannounced and silent
I feel like a fool to have known you.
Or did I?
Was it you I found or did you find me
With the knowledge of leaving me
Knowing full well you would and still
Here I sit wondering just how I’ll tell if I’m whole again
Will I split apart from pain?
Will I find another to fill the space?
How will I ever know if it is real or just a farce
To keep me sane I retreat
I hide behind false eyes and smiles
Like a geisha or a mime
No one can see my true face
My true sorrow and fear
Oh how tired I am of being alone
And yet love is there just on the horizon
I can taste it at times in the wind
I can hear it through the trees
and see it in the waves
Just out of sight
Tantalizing me, drawing me, wanting me
Will I succumb again?
only to be slain by the sword
Another death, another life
Here I sit wondering if you have gone
Will I always find myself the one left behind
Or run away and hide behind closed eyes
Not seeing the truth for what it is
How shall I ever know if you were real or just a fairytale
You never showed me what could be
After all the thoughts and smiles you gave me
To leave unannounced and silent
I feel like a fool to have known you.
Or did I?
Was it you I found or did you find me
With the knowledge of leaving me
Knowing full well you would and still
Here I sit wondering just how I’ll tell if I’m whole again
Will I split apart from pain?
Will I find another to fill the space?
How will I ever know if it is real or just a farce
To keep me sane I retreat
I hide behind false eyes and smiles
Like a geisha or a mime
No one can see my true face
My true sorrow and fear
Oh how tired I am of being alone
And yet love is there just on the horizon
I can taste it at times in the wind
I can hear it through the trees
and see it in the waves
Just out of sight
Tantalizing me, drawing me, wanting me
Will I succumb again?
only to be slain by the sword
Another death, another life
Island Emails
Grand Cayman Island in all her glory...
Imagine children riding on the front of a swerving ancient old beach cruiser with their friend peddling furiously to keep the almost flattened wheels moving. Laughter spread across their faces as they weave down a narrow stretch of road between them and the beach, dodging cars. It's Hot! The sun bleaches even the brightest Caribbean colours pale at the height of the day. Lounging under the Sea Grapes, walking to the water, chasing each other around the beach, the people of this island congregate at the beach during the afternoons to wait out the daily heat wave that sweeps through. Gone by sunset, the beaches become deserted as darkness descends. Replaced by the din of night creatures and lapping water. Mosquito's, the bane of this island. They find their way into every little room and suck the very blood right out of you even through your clothes. Tricky little devils. They don't put their needle noses in at a straight 45 degrees but slanted ever so slightly to make it hurt.
August 3rd, 2008
A note to Jason
Just need to tell you about this last day I had.
Woke up quite early after a fairy restless night to take my girlfriend Rina to the airport on her way to see her boyfriend’s place in the keys then shortly thereafter onto an alcohol clinic to take care of business. I went home, had a fabulous conversation with a very handsome man...sorry babe , not you...;} Shortly I found myself either deciding to watch a movie or take myself to the beach to swim now that I have a car. Oh yeah forgot to tell you. Rina also chose to rent me her 2006 Honda CRV for a pittance a week. OK back to the beach for goodness sakes. I found a great beach chair and hunkered in. Got wet and fell asleep. End of story......Fuck NO!!!! First off you honestly think I’d fall asleep before getting my swim in. Now on your life babe. Too much energy in this body these days. .... OK so......again I digress. I started my swim. Figured I could get about 1-1/25 miles in if I swam to a certain point. Anyways on the way back fighting the current I suddenly...OK HERE”S THE GOOD PART!!!!!./... became a member of a fairly large small Jack fish school with 3 needle fish and 2 BIG Jacks lurking and constantly trying to eat them. I swam along like I hadn’t noticed and they began to infiltrate every available space with in 1/4 inch of my skin. I was nipped several times and they were touching my mask. I slowed and they slowed. I sped up and they followed suite. We swam on like this for almost if not over 45 minutes. I kept slowing or speeding up and they would just stay near, never moving too far away ever and usually with in touching distance. What an amazing feeling to become a part of a school of fish. Constantly the needle fish doing flybys with little nips here and there. These fish were like the big flocks of blackberry birds in the Pacific Northwest that literally undulate across the sky in a switchback pattern. The Big Jacks were even taking pop shots at me. They would swim close and then suddenly swipe past your face or across you stomach just touching the skin. I swam under the water several times and they would follow my a I swirled around in cycles. As I neared a couple and their baby boy near shore the fish darted off to greet up with them and hide there in the waves. The little boy was squealing with sheer delight as they roared around his daddy’s legs. It was adorable. I finally got out and fell asleep on the beach chair. I find myself constantly in touch with some creature of the water here. Barracudas off the coast of my house. It’s a lot rougher waters and gets the majority of rain usually. I love being in this water. It challenges me, scares me and completes me.
Second thing that this day gave me:
I got home and decided to cook myself dinner. I started to watch the lightening storm over on the other side of the island. It had been advancing up the island all day. I watched the clouds stacking up as I packed up to head home from the beach. After cooking dinner and having a glass of wine, I went outside to enjoy the evening and watch the lightening storm. I sat down and started to take in the gloriousness of the evening. The stars as they ...excuse the phrase.. Twinkled in the evening sky, the light of Georgetown in the distance and 7 mile beach lighting fading into areas of dense thicket. Here the waves crash on the iron shore outside sometimes sounding like bullets being fired from a distant gun. The constant rumble of thunder after a surreal lightening sweeps across the clouds hidden until the the lightening carves a path through or sweeps behind. The lightening strikes, glitters as it dances across the sky from end to end of my sight. I laid my head back and settled instantly into a meditative trance. I began to feel my body pull against me as I was thrust forward into the sky above me. Cold to touch, hot inside I was yanked out of my physical body and flung to the sky in a lotus flower pattern of teardrops slowly shrinking in size and dimension. Each petal began to change, to shimmer and transformed into a glowing tear against the black universe dotted with her beautiful stars and galaxies and milky ways. I could feel the hand of god...if that’s what you’d call it. It could have been the hand of the goddess, the hand of Zeus, the hand of Athena, the hand of... Oh who the F%(@ cares. Just the hand of God. I could see everything around me in extreme clarity. I could see the lotus flower begin to transform again into a Protea the great stalked flower grew to an gigantic height and turning an iridescent bright golden yellow with glowing pink to orange edges, becoming a lotus flame expanding across the sky, taking it up completely in the end. The flame of life Jason. The flame of love, incarnate humanity. For all to see, hear and do, there she sat flames flicking the sky in an ethereal fashion. I sat and absorbed this into my being. I absorbed it into my soul and suddenly ...it was all OK.... It is all OK!! I can taste her and am complete. I am again as I should be whole and complete. Not needing a soul to fill holes and “help” someone though their shit. I digress. I stayed this way for god only knows how long but suddenly the lightening changed. I was yanked back to reality with the force of my head falling forward. Was I asleep this entire time? Did I dream it all? Did the whole day even happen? OH GOD!! I got up and wandered inside to write this letter to you. To make sure someone I know and trust can understand it. As I’ve been writing this to you Jason, the storm has moved into West Bay and the rain is slowing increasing in size and intensity. The wind forces my plants to slide across or topple on the deck. I can hear my windsock getting slammed on the side of the building, it’s bamboo pieces being slammed around. I think I’ll have to go get it before it drives me nuts with it’s clamouring. Slowly is peaceful, this is invasive massive windstorm like shit. OK I’m awake now. Again thrust back into the ugly reality I deal with moment to moment...the gross details of a functioning life, the gross details of a human life. Back to life. Hello there...hmmm I’m hungry...
August 24th, 2008
The sea has been dead flat the last 2 days. Like dead flat!! It's amazing to wake up and see this here in the open ocean. Islands are rarely calm. The wind is always blowing...or so it seems at times. Being on the water is an adventure in itself. The weather entertains me instead of the TV. Much funner to watch a lightening storm or water spout pass by than to sit and stare at a TV all day and night. Snorkelling outside the apartment is fabulous when you can get in the water. There are at least 5-6 dive spots about 1/4 mile off shore we swim to almost daily. There are 3 of us here in the complex that go swimming together regularly. Last night Sherri and I sat on the landing and watched the bio-luminescence flicker each time a wave hit the rocks. We dosed up on mosquito repellent. The night was silent. You could hear voices travelling across the water from miles away. There was one lone boat fishing on the reef in front of us. Illegal as all hell but who cares.
This is the Caribbean.
August 27th, 2008
Wednesday, today
I'm sitting on the landing with Sherri, my downstairs neighbour. We just watched a great movie and decided to watch the storm clouds move in and the bio-luminescence in the water. The water is dead calm right now. The calm before Gustav I think... There is a slight breeze. Enough to rustle the dead palm fronds hanging from the trees. A small swell has started to lap at the coastline. Ever so slowly increasing in size till soon this lovely setting will be no more, replaced by an angry beast. Sherri and I make out way out of the house and navigate the stairs and walkway to the 2 Adirondack chairs we have strategically placed to see both the night ski and the water below. The clouds are all around us. Stacked high in mighty columns ever growing, melding into one another, transforming into something completely new every few minutes. But there still is a void in our bay and the sky is crystalline clear. . Directly above and in front of us Jupiter in all his glory blares out amongst the Sagittarius cluster. Running through Sagittarius across the sky from top to bottom of me a milky ribbon of iridescent beauty. The Milky Way like I've never seen her before. So clear and defined. Almost like a cloud in the stars. I've watched northern lights off the coast of Iceland. I've sailed tropical storms in Hawaii and now I'm about to be a part of my first real hurricane with a name. All those nights were incredible and unique. All those nights I saw amazing things. Tonight the sky is clearer than I've seen her since I've been here. Lightening flashes behind us on the north side of the island. Planes are landing and taking off at extraordinary intervals. Everyone is vacating the island for fear of the hurricane damage.
We laid in our chairs long enough to watch the rotation of the earth. It's amazing when you are still, long enough to actually tune into the slow moving things of this earth. It's a sobering thing to experience. How magnificent is this place we live? This beautiful place we think is the centre of the whole grand universe. And yet are we? Look up and you will have your answer. So amazing the very idea of there being someone else and yet not. I mean really, just look up.
Falling asleep in a lawn chair at the edge of a very rocky ocean is not a smart thing to do. But since when have you ever done what you're supposed to do ALL the time? Of course we both knocked out for a minute or two and well here I am now writing this lovely little moment to you. And Sherri is now most likely in bed.
XOXO
Elise
Imagine children riding on the front of a swerving ancient old beach cruiser with their friend peddling furiously to keep the almost flattened wheels moving. Laughter spread across their faces as they weave down a narrow stretch of road between them and the beach, dodging cars. It's Hot! The sun bleaches even the brightest Caribbean colours pale at the height of the day. Lounging under the Sea Grapes, walking to the water, chasing each other around the beach, the people of this island congregate at the beach during the afternoons to wait out the daily heat wave that sweeps through. Gone by sunset, the beaches become deserted as darkness descends. Replaced by the din of night creatures and lapping water. Mosquito's, the bane of this island. They find their way into every little room and suck the very blood right out of you even through your clothes. Tricky little devils. They don't put their needle noses in at a straight 45 degrees but slanted ever so slightly to make it hurt.
August 3rd, 2008
A note to Jason
Just need to tell you about this last day I had.
Woke up quite early after a fairy restless night to take my girlfriend Rina to the airport on her way to see her boyfriend’s place in the keys then shortly thereafter onto an alcohol clinic to take care of business. I went home, had a fabulous conversation with a very handsome man...sorry babe , not you...;} Shortly I found myself either deciding to watch a movie or take myself to the beach to swim now that I have a car. Oh yeah forgot to tell you. Rina also chose to rent me her 2006 Honda CRV for a pittance a week. OK back to the beach for goodness sakes. I found a great beach chair and hunkered in. Got wet and fell asleep. End of story......Fuck NO!!!! First off you honestly think I’d fall asleep before getting my swim in. Now on your life babe. Too much energy in this body these days. .... OK so......again I digress. I started my swim. Figured I could get about 1-1/25 miles in if I swam to a certain point. Anyways on the way back fighting the current I suddenly...OK HERE”S THE GOOD PART!!!!!./... became a member of a fairly large small Jack fish school with 3 needle fish and 2 BIG Jacks lurking and constantly trying to eat them. I swam along like I hadn’t noticed and they began to infiltrate every available space with in 1/4 inch of my skin. I was nipped several times and they were touching my mask. I slowed and they slowed. I sped up and they followed suite. We swam on like this for almost if not over 45 minutes. I kept slowing or speeding up and they would just stay near, never moving too far away ever and usually with in touching distance. What an amazing feeling to become a part of a school of fish. Constantly the needle fish doing flybys with little nips here and there. These fish were like the big flocks of blackberry birds in the Pacific Northwest that literally undulate across the sky in a switchback pattern. The Big Jacks were even taking pop shots at me. They would swim close and then suddenly swipe past your face or across you stomach just touching the skin. I swam under the water several times and they would follow my a I swirled around in cycles. As I neared a couple and their baby boy near shore the fish darted off to greet up with them and hide there in the waves. The little boy was squealing with sheer delight as they roared around his daddy’s legs. It was adorable. I finally got out and fell asleep on the beach chair. I find myself constantly in touch with some creature of the water here. Barracudas off the coast of my house. It’s a lot rougher waters and gets the majority of rain usually. I love being in this water. It challenges me, scares me and completes me.
Second thing that this day gave me:
I got home and decided to cook myself dinner. I started to watch the lightening storm over on the other side of the island. It had been advancing up the island all day. I watched the clouds stacking up as I packed up to head home from the beach. After cooking dinner and having a glass of wine, I went outside to enjoy the evening and watch the lightening storm. I sat down and started to take in the gloriousness of the evening. The stars as they ...excuse the phrase.. Twinkled in the evening sky, the light of Georgetown in the distance and 7 mile beach lighting fading into areas of dense thicket. Here the waves crash on the iron shore outside sometimes sounding like bullets being fired from a distant gun. The constant rumble of thunder after a surreal lightening sweeps across the clouds hidden until the the lightening carves a path through or sweeps behind. The lightening strikes, glitters as it dances across the sky from end to end of my sight. I laid my head back and settled instantly into a meditative trance. I began to feel my body pull against me as I was thrust forward into the sky above me. Cold to touch, hot inside I was yanked out of my physical body and flung to the sky in a lotus flower pattern of teardrops slowly shrinking in size and dimension. Each petal began to change, to shimmer and transformed into a glowing tear against the black universe dotted with her beautiful stars and galaxies and milky ways. I could feel the hand of god...if that’s what you’d call it. It could have been the hand of the goddess, the hand of Zeus, the hand of Athena, the hand of... Oh who the F%(@ cares. Just the hand of God. I could see everything around me in extreme clarity. I could see the lotus flower begin to transform again into a Protea the great stalked flower grew to an gigantic height and turning an iridescent bright golden yellow with glowing pink to orange edges, becoming a lotus flame expanding across the sky, taking it up completely in the end. The flame of life Jason. The flame of love, incarnate humanity. For all to see, hear and do, there she sat flames flicking the sky in an ethereal fashion. I sat and absorbed this into my being. I absorbed it into my soul and suddenly ...it was all OK.... It is all OK!! I can taste her and am complete. I am again as I should be whole and complete. Not needing a soul to fill holes and “help” someone though their shit. I digress. I stayed this way for god only knows how long but suddenly the lightening changed. I was yanked back to reality with the force of my head falling forward. Was I asleep this entire time? Did I dream it all? Did the whole day even happen? OH GOD!! I got up and wandered inside to write this letter to you. To make sure someone I know and trust can understand it. As I’ve been writing this to you Jason, the storm has moved into West Bay and the rain is slowing increasing in size and intensity. The wind forces my plants to slide across or topple on the deck. I can hear my windsock getting slammed on the side of the building, it’s bamboo pieces being slammed around. I think I’ll have to go get it before it drives me nuts with it’s clamouring. Slowly is peaceful, this is invasive massive windstorm like shit. OK I’m awake now. Again thrust back into the ugly reality I deal with moment to moment...the gross details of a functioning life, the gross details of a human life. Back to life. Hello there...hmmm I’m hungry...
August 24th, 2008
The sea has been dead flat the last 2 days. Like dead flat!! It's amazing to wake up and see this here in the open ocean. Islands are rarely calm. The wind is always blowing...or so it seems at times. Being on the water is an adventure in itself. The weather entertains me instead of the TV. Much funner to watch a lightening storm or water spout pass by than to sit and stare at a TV all day and night. Snorkelling outside the apartment is fabulous when you can get in the water. There are at least 5-6 dive spots about 1/4 mile off shore we swim to almost daily. There are 3 of us here in the complex that go swimming together regularly. Last night Sherri and I sat on the landing and watched the bio-luminescence flicker each time a wave hit the rocks. We dosed up on mosquito repellent. The night was silent. You could hear voices travelling across the water from miles away. There was one lone boat fishing on the reef in front of us. Illegal as all hell but who cares.
This is the Caribbean.
August 27th, 2008
Wednesday, today
I'm sitting on the landing with Sherri, my downstairs neighbour. We just watched a great movie and decided to watch the storm clouds move in and the bio-luminescence in the water. The water is dead calm right now. The calm before Gustav I think... There is a slight breeze. Enough to rustle the dead palm fronds hanging from the trees. A small swell has started to lap at the coastline. Ever so slowly increasing in size till soon this lovely setting will be no more, replaced by an angry beast. Sherri and I make out way out of the house and navigate the stairs and walkway to the 2 Adirondack chairs we have strategically placed to see both the night ski and the water below. The clouds are all around us. Stacked high in mighty columns ever growing, melding into one another, transforming into something completely new every few minutes. But there still is a void in our bay and the sky is crystalline clear. . Directly above and in front of us Jupiter in all his glory blares out amongst the Sagittarius cluster. Running through Sagittarius across the sky from top to bottom of me a milky ribbon of iridescent beauty. The Milky Way like I've never seen her before. So clear and defined. Almost like a cloud in the stars. I've watched northern lights off the coast of Iceland. I've sailed tropical storms in Hawaii and now I'm about to be a part of my first real hurricane with a name. All those nights were incredible and unique. All those nights I saw amazing things. Tonight the sky is clearer than I've seen her since I've been here. Lightening flashes behind us on the north side of the island. Planes are landing and taking off at extraordinary intervals. Everyone is vacating the island for fear of the hurricane damage.
We laid in our chairs long enough to watch the rotation of the earth. It's amazing when you are still, long enough to actually tune into the slow moving things of this earth. It's a sobering thing to experience. How magnificent is this place we live? This beautiful place we think is the centre of the whole grand universe. And yet are we? Look up and you will have your answer. So amazing the very idea of there being someone else and yet not. I mean really, just look up.
Falling asleep in a lawn chair at the edge of a very rocky ocean is not a smart thing to do. But since when have you ever done what you're supposed to do ALL the time? Of course we both knocked out for a minute or two and well here I am now writing this lovely little moment to you. And Sherri is now most likely in bed.
XOXO
Elise
Saturday, February 9, 2008
First Day
OK First real day here.....
It was 88 degrees at 2pm.
It's 6:48pm and....
I've drove the entire island end to end.
Found a place to live (2 bdrm brand new w/ W/D, my own balcony, furnished and Turquoise... the building that is... on the second floor)... Did I mention it's BRAND NEW!!!
Did a REAL SHITTY spin class...and apparently they are ALL like that (GOD HELP ME). Think I'll BUY a bike... or jusr bag it and swim early every morning
Walked 3 1/2 miles on 7 mile beach (before 7am)
Watched people fish with hand lines on a fabulous dock while I ate Chicken Paté and plum sauce and play with the stingrays...see below...
Checked out the store I'm going to work in (Georgetown is seriously touristy)
Saw seriously good looking people
Saw seriously FAT people
Wow and that was only PART of the day!!!
Think it's time for alcohol
Smooches to all
Elise
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